The Chicago Police Department confirmed on Tuesday morning that every single resident of the city had been shot over the long holiday weekend.
According to officials, the shootings began on Friday evening and did not stop until 100 percent of the population had sustained at least one bullet wound. Hospital staff reported that waiting rooms were somewhat crowded as approximately 2.6 million people arrived at the same time to seek medical treatment.
"It was a busy few days," said police spokesperson Thomas Dewey while receiving medical treatment for a gunshot wound. "We generally expect a spike in activity during the warmer months, but the complete and total victimization of the entire municipal population was a bit higher than our internal projections."
City leaders noted that despite the massive injuries, public transit remained operational and municipal offices opened on time Tuesday morning. Residents were seen commuting to work with ice packs, slings, and various levels of bandages, ready to face the increased likelihood of being shot again.
At publishing time, Mayor Brandon Johnson urged citizens to remain calm and emphasized that the city was still entirely safe for tourism, provided visitors wear full body armor and avoid the corporate limits.
Chuck Schumer Celebrates Memorial Day Alone As All Of Last Year's Guests Dead From E. Coli
"How was I supposed to know that serving raw meat was deadly?" neighbors heard Schumer saying as he stared sadly at his grill. "Eating burgers that way has never hurt me, and I've been doing it for years."
Officially, Schumer blamed his newfound loneliness on President Donald Trump and his healthcare policies. But deep inside his black heart lies a weeping child who desperately wishes he could turn the clock back and learn to cook hamburgers properly.
Speaking of fucking idiots. I think he just outdid himself.
Truly didn't know if this was a joke the first time I heard it, or if he was going with a lot of US/worldwide mayors. But no... just him (along with some Chicago bigwigs).
AFAIK, Brandon ain't Catholic. But it won't be the first time a non-Catholic politician meets with the Pope.
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Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson was headed to Rome on Wednesday to meet with Pope Leo XIV in the Vatican.
The mayor is expected to talk with the pope on Thursday.
"As I reflect on my upcoming time that I'll get a chance to spend with the pope, I think about our shared moral values, and our shared belief in human dignity," Mayor Johnson said at a news conference Wednesday morning, "because at the end of the day, building a safer city also means building a more just and compassionate one, where every young person, every family, and every community knows they are seen, supported, and worthy of opportunity."
Mayor Johnson said he plans to bring up voting rights, immigration rights, and workers' rights with the pope. The war with Iran is also expected to be addressed.
"We're going to really highlight ways in which the city of Chicago is showing up, but really how mayors across the globe are showing up, and how his leadership and his pulpit can help shine a light on the places in the world where grievances are quite severe and have been ignored," the mayor said earlier this week.
There will be both serious and non-serious topics on the agenda, the mayor said.
"It's going to be a very full, rich conversation," Johnson said. "And of course, the conversation will not end without us having a real substantive debate around our Cubbies and his Sox."
So a video of Chevy products, starting off with their ad jingle from either the 60's or 70's.... and then the rest of the 30 seconds is their various offers but totally in the Spanish language.
Am I an advertising genius? No, not a bit.
But I'd think you'd want the entire ad in one language or the other.
Okay, seriously-all my complaints are done for the day. THIS TIME FOR SURE!!
on May 27, 2026, 9:05:24