I generally want these matches to finish with both teams losing and it being 8-a-side. I honestly don't know what I'd want in Rusty Martles vs. Clodagh Rodgers. Someone to lock all the gates, plug the sinks and turn on all the taps, I suppose.

Incidentally, I was confused for you on here the other week. Indisputably the WERST thing that's happened to me on the internet.

And I've been called a useless fraud by Phill 'f___ing' Jupitus.