I've left Skem Utd.

Available for recruitment, middle-aged tubby, looking for a non-league football club to support (steps 5-7), must have their own ground with a clubhouse that sells a wide range of ales and most importantly be capable of winning the odd match.

In return you will get a committed fan (well till I get bored anyway), a loud voice on the touchline, a sizeable income from sausage roll and pie sales throughout the season and a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career of volunteering at this level. Skills that make me a nightmare for people from Yorkshire, Greater Manchester, Derbyshire and anywhere else within the north west counties catchment area.