Gregg Wallace
My Saturday

5:30am. I wake at the same time every morning and read. Working my way through cream tea milkers at the moment, which helps with my morning wood. Then I'll make myself a cheeky coffee. With cream. Love a bit of cream me. I'll also check out sign up numbers on my new food website lovelybigbaps.com

7am I work out 8 days a week and hit the gym half an hour before it opens. Sandra lets me in. She's got huge milkers and loves it. I've fingered her. I review my to do list and read emails. I notice the blue pills are on offer and order a shit load. Down to my last 300, so cutting it fine. I've lost 11 stone in the last week and a half and have an 8 pack now. Sandra loves it. I have a crooked penis though. I guess we all have our imperfections.

10:30am I meet my PA Helen at the Harvester for breakfast. 6 bacon, 4 eggs, 8 sausages, steak, beans, haggis, mushrooms, 3 tomatoes and 6 rounds of toast. I like to have a light breakfast to keep me agile for the day. Helen often has egg running from her mouth and I can't help but tell her what it looks like. "I know!" she says excitedly. I go to the disabled loo to sort myself out. The Harvester staff are brilliant. Me and Helen get down to business. After that we talk about my work. I've a few new leads today. Diana from Amazon wants to meet me on Monday for a short meeting for a huge TV opportunity just after 2. "So what you're saying Helen, is Dirty Diana has a tight slot for me at 1:69 for a big thing?" Helen just giggles knowingly. I wink at the bar staff again and they open the disabled toilet. I don't take long.

12pm I go straight from my meeting with Helen to home just in time for lunch, made by my lovely wife Anna (Anne-Marie Sterpeeny 34DD). Her creamy soup is to die for, especially with a huge crusty cob on.

1:30 I like to spend time with my young son Sid, who's artistic. Simon is a great kid and his eye contact is improving. Steve loves to paint and the doc said artistic kids are good at this. I'm a much better dad now than I used to be but I didn't really want a kid at this age. To be honest Sean is a bit of a burden and not quite the pussy magnet I expected. I thought birds loved artistic people.

1:35pm I'm really well organised and will sort out deliveries between lunches every Saturday. Today I'm getting the two way mirrors and camera installed. I like a bit of photography.

3pm After a light 2nd lunch, I'll retire to my dungeon for a game of soldiers. I like it when Cleopatras army stand on top of the hill and rush the Greeks. The Egyptians all have big boobs. I use my disabled toilet to sort myself out.

6pm I'm an excellent cook and normally make one meal a week. I'll use our local butcher and baker for ingredients. Usually a large portion of juicy meat followed by a sweet treat. Cath at the bakers always has her fingered creamy splits on offer. I always buy her one so she can eat it in front of me. Her face is always covered in cream. She hands me the key to the disabled toilet. I finger her on the way out. She gives me the key again.

8pm Ive tried sitting on the sofa watching tv and eating biscuits, but I just can't. So I stand up. Anne and I have different film tastes. She likes thrillers, whereas I like Carry on films. Babs Windsor is on again and she's a right sort. Anne hands me the key to the disabled toilet and I finish off the night.