So many times lately, I've found out things John said to other people that were totally opposite what he was saying to me. How do I live with that?

The latest was about my cast iron hobby. He was always so supportive of it. Excited when I'd bring home a new piece & eager to see what could be found under all of the crud. But at the Derby party with his former coworkers, several of them made comments about how he complained about it so much. How it took up so much of my time & space in the house & he didn't understand why I so fascinated by it.

That hurt.

Another time I was talking to T about something out at the farm & he was like "Dad really wanted to sell the farm." Say what???? He never said anytihng like that to me....

There have been multiple things like this over the past year & all of those combined with the night he looked at me after he went on hospice and asked "Why isn't this you instead of me???" I have to wonder just how much of our marriage was real...

And that's hard to live with.