The hardest part is the 20+ times a day when I see or hear something & immediately think "I've gotta share this with John!!!!" And then I remember...

Keep joint accounts joint for several months after the death. You'd be surprised how many payments/checks/etc/ come in addressed just to your spouse. And to make it even more fun, they sent John's last paycheck & unusued leave payout payable to "Estate of" which means I have to apply for an EIN number, create an estate account, and then will have to get a court order in order to access those funds (over $30k).

I'm glad I kept enough cash on hand to float a month or so before any life insurance/pension/whatever becomes available. Still no sign of life insurance even though I've filed paperwork out the wazoo, submitted a dozen copies of the death certificate, and jumped thru every hoop imaginable. AND I"m told I won't get a pension payment until the end of the month. So no income from mid-March thru the end of April... With thousands of dollars of funeral expenses to boot.

I've prepared for more paperwork than you ever dreamed possible. And EVERYTHNG has to be documented because 9 times out of 10, whatever you're being told is going to be WRONG and the person who told you that needs to be educated/punished.

Did you know that nobody has Fax machines anymore? And that a lot of these pension/life insurance comapanies will only accept fax or snail mail? There are no options for emailing and they warn you that snail mail can add weeks to their processing time.

I'm really tired of hearing "i'm so sorry for you loss." I mean I appreciate it. But you can't just tell total strangers that "Yeah, it sucks doesn't it???" And crying jags in the middle of the grocery store get you some strange looks....

I'm not sure if I'm going to gain weight or lose weight. I don't feel like cooking for just myself so I either skip meals or just grab something junky because I know I need to eat.

It breaks my heart when the dogs go looking for John and then come back & stare at me like "Where is he???" (Yes, they were with us when he passed. And we made sure to let them go to him & sniff him after it was over. But they still don't fully understand...)

While John was on hospice and throughout the funeral, Owen was an absolute angel. Well behaved. Polite. Played quietly or watched TV. Well y'all he's making up for it now!!!! He's an absolute HELLION! If you tell him "no" for anything, he starts screaming and then physically attacks you. He was head butting Kate in the belly last night!!!! Her 7 mo. pregant belly! And punching & kicking at the same time.

Travis is having the hardest time dealing with the loss. He doesn't say much but you can tell...

Oh the rains last week have de-stabilized the front basement wall. Cracked it like an egg and started pushing it inward. I'm in the process of getting quotes to a) redirect the water and b) jack the house up & replace the damaged wall. Are we having fun yet???

Until the pension checks start coming in (and I know how much I'll have to work with), I can't afford to get anyone to come in and mow the yard. So far, T and Matt have done it for me but I hate having to ask them... But I just can't sign a weekly contract until I know that I have the money to pay for it.

Please keep Matt in your prayers. His mom isn't doing good. Two years ago, she was diagnosed with lung cancer. After surgery & chemo, she was pronouced cured. About 8 mos ago, she was having severe headaches & they found that it returned in her brain. Had radiation & was pronouced cured again. 3 mos. ago, more tumors in her brain. More radiation & this time she also had some type of chemo. A few days ago, she blacked out & collapsed at Kroger. And is now so "off balance" that she can't walk without hanging onto someone's arm. She keeps telling Kate & Matt that she's okay... And it COULD be "just" inflammation & swelling from the last round of radiation. But since she's not telling, they both suspect that it's much worse. And honestly, at this point, if it's not worse NOW, it will be SOON. She & Matt have had their differences (she abandoned him as a kid & honestly has treated him like crap most of his life) but she's his mom... and he loves her in spite of it.

The pups are doing okay. Finally got them out of the hoods Friday. (If one has to wear one, they both do or we have WAR.) So far, they seem to be respecing each other's space but I have two canisters of pepper spray on the kitchen table just in case.

I made desserts (chocolate lasagna with my own twist to it and pina colada cake) for Easter dinner at the club on Thursday. And went back out yesterday for a women's pistol shoot. Only two of us showed up so we got to shoot all that we wanted. I've never been any good with a pistol and probably never will be but it was fun. I need to set my spinners up in the backyard so I can practice before the next women's group meeting. :-)

That's all for now. I think I'm gonna go curl up on the couch & binge watch something. Finished The Umbrella Academy a few days ago (NOT a fan of the way they ended it) and started on Supernatural & Dark Winds before getting side tracked by soccer games....