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Thrilling Tongue-Twister

Teutonic thugs terrorise Turkish tribes

Thursday’s Toronto Times touts the tremendous theory that throughout the thirteen-thirties, twenty-two time-travelling Teutonic tribes transited temperate Transylvania, then trekked tirelessly toward Turkey. Thereafter, the Teutons trawled through to Tunisia.

Typically though, today’s Timbuktu Telegraph (that tatty twopenny tabloid) theatrically traduces this tale, taking the Times to task. “The Times Twists The Truth!” the tinpot Telegraph’s tirade triumphantly thunders.

The teeming totalitarian travellers, the Times’ translation trumpets, terrorised then totalled the thinly-treed terrain that they traipsed through, traumatizing the terrified townsfolk therein.

Transylvania’s timeless traditional transcripts tell that the taciturn Teutonic terrors taxed the timid townspeople, then they tactically torched their thatched tenements thereby tarnishing the town’s tinted teapots (tut, tut – the temerity!)

The tearful Transylvanian tenants testified to their tribunals that, thenceforth, their tea tasted tainted; the tealeaves’ tantalising tannin tang turning thoroughly tasteless through this Teutonic tinkering.

The thronging Teutons then took these tumultuous troubles to Turkey. There, the Turkish tracts testify, the tempestuous thugs, their tonsured toupees terribly tousled, tore their tunics tethering their thoroughbred teams.

(Twelve testy travellers took thirty-three (thereabouts) threadbare twill tunics to two talented Turkish tailors, tersely telling the twins to thread the tattered tops together. “Tack this, then trim that!” the tough-talking, temperamental taskmasters tersely told the tremulous, tearful tailors.)

Tented, the transiting Teutons taught the thronging Turks (total tally; ten tattooed tribesmen) their terribly tempting temporal theories; tawdry, taboo thinking that the Tsar’s toxic Tartars, then touring the territory, taught too.

The trenchant troublemakers told the trembling Turks to tell their theologians to teach these transcendent thoughts throughout their turbaned tribes, the thousands that think Turkey’s their turf.

(Two talented Tibetan transvestites (the type that toboggan), transplanted to Turkey, temporarily trading tip-top Taiwanese training tools that teach trampolining to toddlers, transcribed the Teuton’s tenets, taking the transformative treatise to Tanganyika (typo: Tanzania). There, tragically, tricky Tutsis (those terribly twisted tyrants), trapped them. The Tibetan’s trusted table tennis tutors, the Tong twins, tried to trace them, though their thin trail thence tapers too.)

The treacherous Teutons, tarrying till the trusted Turks took their tracts to the Turkish tribunes, took their tuck: tzatziki, toasted turnips, turmeric-tossed turkey, tuna trifle, tasty tubers; truffles. The thirsty tippled tepid turpentine toddies – “Two thimblefuls, that’s the ticket!”

Taciturn, tragically tongue-tied, the ten tanned, tardy Turks temporised, taking twenty times the time to tentatively tell their tribal thinkers the tenable Teutonic tenets. This time-wasting triggered their turbulent travails.

Tormented, thinking the tardy Turks tricked them, the thwarted thugs thus targeted the Turkish temples, taking their toll.

Throughout the turmoil they threw the Turk’s teak tabernacles thither, tarred the temple tapestries; taking their time to thoroughly trash things, thieving treasures, trophies – those trivial trinkets (to their thinking) that they thought their tribute.

The Times tabulates that the terrorising tribes trampled thirty Turkish temples, tactlessly tacking tawdry triangular Teutonic talismans to the Turkish temple transoms; tearing the traditional (though tacky) Turkish tubular tokens that Turkey’s theologians, to that time, tirelessly tried to trade. Thunderstruck, the tearful Turkmen thought this travesty tantamount to treason.

Though thereafter they tamely toured torrid Tunisia (“…tiptoeing through the Tunisian tundra…” that’s the Times’ terminology), these tactless temple-trashing techniques, taken together, total the typical tactics Teutons traditionally took to tackle tribal troubles then.

(There’s a trendy theory that twists this traditional tale, touting that the Turks turned the tables, taking the Teutons to task. Tantamount to turpitude, this testosterone-talking tosh teeters towards tripe; tittle-tattle – thoughtless, trumped-up twaddle. The Teutonic tribes trounced the Turks.)

Temporarily tented till the Tuesday (their taut, taffeta tepees tied to the towering tree tops that trace Turkey’s topography), the toe-tapping Teutonic team therapeutically tooted their tin trumpets, twanged their toy timples, triple-time; thrumming twee tunes (though torturing the tedious two-tone “Twinkle, Twinkle” terribly), till their traditionally tough tambourine’s tore.

Thereupon, that twilight, their tenure terminated, they took their transient train toward Tunisia, the tour’s terminus. This tender tableau tends to trivialise the tangible traumatic tensions that this tendentious Turkish turmoil triggered.

Tailpiece: The towering theatrical titan, toothy Terry Thomas (two Tonys – “The Tempest” then “Tootsie”), televised this traumatic tale, the Three Tenors trilling the theme tune. The talented thespian thence took the title to the theatre (the troupe’s ticket takings tripled).

This then, the transcendental tale’s tail.

Toodle-oo!

Thanks.