This in itself was a huge step for me as I have been avoiding working as I don't want a job where I can't use the toilet all day. I was scared to take the job, but it was too good an offer to turn down.
Turning up to the interviews was terrible. I was dehydrated from trying to avoid the toilet in trains or at stations, and this made me feel uncomfortable enough.
But I know now that being dehydrated only makes it harder to pee, and I will still feel like I need to regardless of how much I have or haven't drank.
I fretted for ages about the toilets in my new job. I was not sure if they were urinals, cubicles, male-only or shared. I had no idea and every possible situation where I couldn't pee went through my head.
They turn out to be three male-only cubicles, quite private and available on different floors of the building.
so in the beginning, I could only pee sitting down, where I felt less exposed, and I think if it feels like I'm doing a number2 I can relax because this takes time, and the time pressure is off. Even though no one could see what I was doing at all, I still felt like I needed time to relax. Sitting helps. And I still have to sometimes.
Eventually, and like I am now, I can stand and pee loudly in the cubicle with the door shut.
I can get started if I know or can convince myself that no one knows I'm there, but if I think someone I know is in there too I can't start until they've gone.
This is my problem now; I can't start urination when someone else is around. So if there's someone in the cubicle next to me, I can't start. If they're having a number2 this is bad because I know they won't be leaving anytime soon.
It wasn't always like this, I had a few successes and I thought I was beginning to relax and be able to pee around people easier. But recently I feel like I took a step backwards.
Here are some successes: Peeing with others in the other cubicles, I managed to relax myself and tell myself that they don't know I'm here and there is no pressure. They can't see me, and I can take my time.
Also, if there is little or less chance of being seen, like later in the office, I can start urination with the door open.
Another success was after a few beers with a colleague. I was avoiding the pub toilet, and on the way home I declared that I would have to pop back to work to use the toilet (thinking that I would be able to be alone) and he said "oh, me too".
I was nervous about this, but it was fine. We went in together, we had an empty cubicle between us, and we both started and finished at about the same time. It did not take me long to start and it was not really so awkward. I really want to feel this way again but I don't know how to be that confident.
Prior to that, I had been getting myself out-there on dates and getting used to public toilets in pubs where after a few beers the cubicles at least are not so hard. Here I was getting out of my comfort zone and travelling around london and I was getting really good at using public toilet cubicles even with a girl waiting for me. Somehow I was getting somewhere.
So, here's what I think has brought me that one step backwards:
I have moved house.
I have left the comfort of my en-suite behind and taken the step to move into a flat with new people with shared bathrooms.
Here I am gradually getting used to peeing standing up in the new surroundings, and with new people waiting for me to finish.
There is a small toilet next to the living room that I am scared to use when I'm not home alone. But I can use it perfectly fine if I am alone or if everyone else is in bed upstairs. And there is the bathroom upstairs that I can use more freely, but that I still struggle with occasionally.
I took the flat as a challenge to myself to leave en-suites behind. I am now trying to get used to life without it, but I think it's damaged my confidence again. I need to build it back up.
My problem is that I can't pee if I think someone can hear me, see me, or is waiting for me. I was almost getting over it, but I'm feeling back at square one recently.
I'm at a hard part in my life now, I have been avoiding social situations for so long that I don't want to go back there.
I recently find myself in a relationship, and I want to go out and do things with her, she's all I want but I will end up pushing her away trying to avoid social situations. Trying to avoid having to be in a place or situation where I can't pee.
This is why I ask for help.
I'm 29, in London and I'd like to start some kind of meet-up with people or a person around my own age and with the same problem, perhaps someone who had been through similar things already. Just to talk to and drink a beer with who knows what it's like. I'm not necessarily talking about a pee-buddy or de-sensing, just a meet up to chat and do whatever is normal.
So if anyone there fancies a couple of real-ales to get things flowing, let me know!
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