Dateline: Mayberry

In an unprecedented joint meeting chaired by Governor LaPetomane, along with the chief justice of the State Supreme Court, the director of the State Banking Commission, Federal bank examiners, the Federal Reserve Bank of Atlanta, the presiding chief judge of Federal Court-Siler City District, and the director of the State Police, the State’s Attorney announced today that Mayberry Security Bank, located in the small town of Mayberry, NC is insolvent.

Examiners from the state banking commission stated that a rash of complaints regarding the bank’s total lack of security had prompted them to take a very close look at bank operations and what they found was shocking. It was found that virtually all of the banks assets were missing except for what was in the teller drawers. All depositor funds are missing. According to bank records there should have been $712.00 in the empty vault. Examiners at first thought the bank had been robbed due to its total lack of security. However, further investigation found that the funds had disappeared over a period of several weeks. Originally the prime suspect was the bank guard, an elderly gentleman by the name of Breeney. However, after investigators checked into Mr. Breeney’s background they determined he was incapable of putting such a scheme together due to his extreme age and total inattention to what was going on in the bank on day to day basis. Attention next turned to the bank manager, a Mr. Meldrin. After intense questioning Meldrin finally confessed that both he and the bank owner, a Mr. Beasley (also Meldrin’s father in law) had siphoned off all the bank funds over a period of several weeks “playing the ponies” as Meldrin put it. Both Beasely and Meldrin have been indicted on bank fraud, embezzlement, and theft. Both voluntarily turned themselves in to authorities after the bank closed for the last time today. At this time, there are no other suspects in the case. Authorities are still deciding is charges of deleliction of duty will be filed against Breeney.

When state officials first discovered the malfeasance one their first foremost concerns was providing banking services to the town of Mayberry. Discussions were opened with Mount Pilot State Bank, one of the most respected banks in the state, regarding a possible solution. Directors of MPSB immediately sprang to the forefront, placing a new state of the art automated banking center in the heart of Mayberry. This was done without publicizing the investigation in order to not upset the town residents or tip off Meldrin or Beasley. In an unprecedented show of support for the town, MPSB has graciously agreed to make good the embezzled deposits of ALL customers of the now defunct Mayberry Security Bank. These deposits can now be accessed at the new MPSB automated bank located near the Mayberry Hotel.

The final concern of state officials was the dismissal of the few employees of the former Mayberry Security Bank who are now unemployed. Officials determined the best approach was to leave this to the local “behind the scenes” representative of MPSB, a Mr. Regis. All former employees of the now defunct Mayberry Security Bank are instructed to contact Mr. Regis to receive their final paycheck. MPSB will, at the close of business on May 7, 2012, remove the few remaining desks, chairs, and counters from the old Mayberry Security Bank building which itself was leased from a Dr. Pendyke. Any questions regarding operations at the new MPSB should be addressed to their local representative, Mr. Regis.

What could have been a sad day in Mayberry seems to have a happy ending after all, thanks to state officials and the administrators of Mount Pilot State Bank.

Submitted by
Nuz Buttley, AP