It's terrifying. Even before we got the "We're so sorry" speach, just knowing that he had cancer was absolutely terrifying. Gut chilling, shaking, not sleeping terrifying.

But you can't run away - you just deal with it as best you can. And you did, you gave Tom the infusions & all the help & assistance & care that he needed no matter how terrified you were.

I was the same with John. Even when I was so scared, ti felt like I couldn't even breathe, I did what had to be done. Unfortunately, in our case, it wasn't enough. (And that's a whole 'nother level of terror/fear/grief that never ends...)

Somehow I made it thru all of that (at least so far) without any meds. Without even alcohol. Or pot. I love my bourbon but I knew that if I let it provide blessed numbness, I wouldn't be strong enough to face everything without it. And I couldn't afford to become an alcoholic... He needed me sane & sober to deal with everything he was avoiding & then afterward, EVERYTHING was an unholy mess that had to be dealt with immediately or else I'd have been screwed... I'll have a drink now on occasion (or two if I've had to deal with Kate) but I'm still cautious to not let it become a "crutch."