I force myself up & out of the house already though. It's tough. And I end up crying every time I drive past the cemetery. But I do it because I know John wouldn't want me just sitting home - he'd want me to go on. So... I volunteer at the club as much as possible, I'm active in the Ladies' group there, I go to community events. So much of it is so lonely though.... At the club, I'm never alone - they all know what I went thru, they all loved John, and they're all there for me. Everything else though (shopping, communityh events, my grandson's sports) is just so lonely... I still find myself starting to holler down the hall to tell John something. Or to message him at work. Or even just share something funny on Facebook.

And then there's looking towards the future. . We had so many plans and they all died with him. The travels we'd planned, the days out fishing on a lake somewhere, the "tiny house" we planned to build out at the farm so we could spend weekends (or longer) out there, the cast iron sales booth we were going to set up at occasional festivals...

Even little things like canning that's no longer practical for just one person or making our own summer sausage, meat sticks, etc. Basically everything that my life revolved around BEFORE is over.

And the practical things drive me out of my mind.... Trying to get stuff out of the top cabinets, not knowing how to put something together, dealing with contractors as a female (don't even get me started!), not knowing how to clean my own guns (I've requested a class on that with the Ladies' group over the winter), being unable to carry stuff up & down the steps, not being able to drive John's truck because I'm to short to see over the steering wheel, trying to get T to teach me to drive the zero turn mower.... I'm terrified something will happen to the fences and let the dogs out - becasue even if I caugth them, physically I wouldn't be able to fix it. What if my car breaks down? There's no one to call to come get me home. What's going to happen to the driveway when it snows this winter? I can't drive the tractor & wouldn't know how to use the bucket to scrape the drive anyway. I guess I'll just have to stay home & pray the electric doesn't go out... Which reminds me that I've got to get T to give me a quick review on how to run the generator the next time he's home.... Every day, there's something....

I keep telling myself that if I can get thru this first year, I'll have figured out how to deal with the emotions & all the practical crap & then figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. (Being hit with a pre-diabetes diagnosis hasn't helped any, by the way...)