Posted by GAGSTER on 15/12/2006, 9:07:18, in reply to "some funny ones after the last feeble attempt by the gagster" A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong. I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel. I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
195.93.21.9
IS THAT A PATHETIC ATTEMPT AT A CHALLENGE TO THE GREAT GOD OF GAGS........SHAME ON YOU!
She said, "Not until you feed the animals."
The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig.
The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry.
His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon."
Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"
***
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke Without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and opping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening"
You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
***
A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn’t resist making fun of his baldness.
One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man’s gleaming head while loudly exclaiming, 'Feels just like my wife’s arse.'
With all the restraint he could muster, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head.
'You know you’re right,' He said, 'It feels just like your wife’s arse.'
***
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
Before End'
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
"No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.
"You've got cholera."
name, it's P something T something R.
down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and
on.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??" I said "I
wouldn't
do it if you paid me."
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for
the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you"
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
it. I thought that's Aboriginal.
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a
cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've
been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin"
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or
Thursdays."
So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He
said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
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