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Posted by David on June 28, 2009, 2:15 pm
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This is a true ongoing tale, much like the adventures of Wylie Coyote and the Road Runner for those who are old enough to remember the cartoon. Beep beep! All this started last spring when a woodchuck we’ll call “Chuckie” decided to make residence under our handmade stone flower bed wall. The term woodchuck and groundhog are used interchangeably and mean the same animal in the northeast. Anyway, Chuckie dug himself a real nice hole in our very stony soil under our flower bed wall. Woodchucks are unbelievable diggers and at this point I believe they have the tributes of Superman, with the exception of faster than a speeding bullet and being able to leap tall buildings. For sure, woodchucks are stronger than a locomotive, aka Superman, in moving stones that weigh 3-5 times their weight.
Once we noticed Chuckie had dug a hole directly under the wall by our flower bed it certainly caught our attention. In doing so, he pushed out volumes of rock and dirt (last fall it took at least ten wheel barrels full of rock/dirt to clear and smooth the ground around the entrance to his dug out residence). He was making a real mess, couldn’t cut the grass and the amount of dirt and rocks on the grass keep growing at geometric rates. I wrongly thought his time was up and I will encourage him to move from his new home. I didn't want to kill him, only to discourage the woodchuck. I thought I’d block his entrance with a rock, or two. Next day, rocks moved! I tried this without success several time with the same poor results. Ok, I said to myself, let’s try a larger rock weighing about 30 lbs and at least a foot long in the nicely rounded out whole Chuckie made under the wall. Next day, he dug around the end of the rock! So much for the large rock discouraging our new neighbor. At this point, I was slowly becoming the discouraged one!
Like I said, I didn't want to kill the woodchuck (at that time) and only wanted him to get the message he wasn’t welcomed and move his residence to a place less noticeable and I’d be able to mow my lawn once again without destroying my lawnmower going over boulders. This time I placed some rat glue traps inside the hole and thought this would surely do the trick. Nope! Next day glue traps were either gone, or covered in dirt which makes them less than useful. Chuckie wasn’t impressed at all with my glue traps. He probably just thought I wasn’t a caring neighbor leaving all this stuff around the entrance to his home. Next, I went to Home Depot and bought three boxes of smoke bombs that said on the label in essence it will get rid of almost any critter that lives below the ground. I set off the entire three packs
of smoke bombs and pushed them in the hole. It looked like the entire mountain was on fire! Next day, Chuckie is seen peacefully going and coming from his residence. A shocker! Just like nothing happened! Ok, I thought we have to get the big guns for this guy! On a trip to South Carolina, we stopped by a fireworks place (legal to sell fireworks in that state) and told the owner of the store our story about Chuckie and asked if he had any “dynamite” for sale! He laughed and gave me FREE half a dozen of his biggest firecrackers. I wasn’t sure if he was laughing at me, with me, or just plan felt sorry for me.
Waving to Madonna as we passed Baltimore on our return trip and arriving home from South Carolina, I verbally gave Chuckie one last warning and demanded he MOVE, or get blown out his hole! Nothing, except for what I thought I heard was a snicker that came from Chuckie’s home in the ground. Ok, I’m going to give you one last chance I said out loud! Again, nothing! Frustrated, I tied all the largest firecrackers in the state of South Carolina that were legal to sell to the public together. The firecrackers were tied in parallel, much like an electrical circuit, so they’d almost all go off at the same time. It was time to set off the big explosion. I lit a match and the wind blew it out! This happened at least five times. Chuckie got a temporary reprieve. I thought was fate and God against me? What had I done? I just wanted Chuckie out of my life and be able to once again mow my grass. On our next trip to Walmart, I bought a lighter that said it was wind proof and wouldn’t blow out. Returning home, I again gave Chuckie one last chance. Move or ELSE I yelled! Nothing! Hence, I placed the flame from the windproof lighter against the firecracker wicks and they started to rapidly sparkle and burn. In a momentary thought it came to me that if I didn’t get rid of these firecrackers, I was the one that was going to get blown up, rather than Chuckie! I rapidly dispensed with the firecrackers from my hand and threw them down his hole and ran across the grass and waited for the explosion. In no time, they exploded! It didn’t seem like much of an explosion. I thought the ground would shake! Smoke came from the hole and I could smell the sulfur from the gun powder. Upon examination of the evidence left behind from the explosion, I could tell only about half the firecrackers went off. The rest were duds. It was no wonder the ground didn’t shake. However, I still felt this would do the job and the woodchuck was history! Next day, Chuckie is seen running across the lawn as if nothing happened and it appeared he had his tongue out and laughing at me!
Elizabeth told a friend about our situation and he suggested a sure thing! Right down our alley! A sure thing is just what I wanted to hear. He said to buy some Juicy Fruit gum and to chew a big ball of the gum with the understanding that the woodchuck would eat the large wad of gum and get it stuck in his throat and not be able to swallow! Harsh, I know, but we were getting desperate! Elizabeth bought about 20 packs of Juicy Fruit gum and chewed them ALL in her mouth till she had a huge wad of gum. The tacky Juicy Fruit wad was about the size of a tennis ball. One thing for sure, Elizabeth had sweet smelling breath from all the gum she chewed! We thought we had him this time! So that night, down the hole went the wad of pleasant smelling gum on a nice clean platter, so the gum ball wouldn’t get any dirt on it. We thought even a woodchuck wouldn’t want to chew a dirty gum ball. Next day, Chuckie is seen happily crossing the lawn and he looks like he even packed on a few pounds! Yikes! It appeared it had no effect on Chuckie whatsoever! Could it be ate and liked the gum? I wrongly thought maybe we didn’t have enough gum. Elizabeth made it very clear to me she wasn’t going to chew any more gum! That was it and she wanted to preserve what teeth she already had left!
CONTINUATION OF THE ADVENTURES OF “CHUCKIE” TO COME IN THE NEXT EPISODE! THERE IS A LOT MORE TO COME AND WE THOUGHT WE’D GIVE THE READERS A REST. YA’LL MUST BE TIRED FROM READING THIS LONG POST.
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For those who might be late comers to this board, Dory was a poster who we will remember as one who gave of herself so others survivors might smile. She always kept this board moving with her inspirational poems, jokes and riddles. Most will give Dory credit for energizing this board. She was an inspiration to everyone on this board. In that spirit, let us
continue to post in Dory’s memory so she might smile down on us and give us the same inspiration. Therefore, we have named the board, Dory's Board, in her memory. 11/11/01 (Dory was the first to call attention to the significance of 9/11, re: WTC tragedy, i.e. 911 for emergency). Let me be the first to note all the ones in the above date, indicating she was No. 1 on our board.