I'm so sorry for all the anxiety you're having. Certainly understandable. I agree with the others that waiting is the hardest part. I had to wait 6 weeks for chemo because of all the testing (yes, more waiting), so I was literally EXCITED to go to my first chemo cycle if only because it relieved me of the anxiety of waiting. There are a couple of things you can do that might help with the waiting. 1.) call the American Cancer Society in your area and ask for a cancer coach from their Reach-to-Recovery program. This is someone who is a survivor and has finished treatment. She will listen to anything you want to tell her, and that can be a HUGE stress buster. At least it was for me. 2.) Try to find and join a breast cancer support group in your area. There is something about being with other women who are going through the same challenge that is very empowering. 3.) Since you're a writer (I am too), try writing down how you feel. That way, your anxiety can have the opportunity to be out of you and onto paper. 4.) Exercise can help if you're able to do that. It will release some of the adrenalin that comes from anxiety. I promise you that God is with you right now, perhaps not to take away your burden so much as to stand with you as you move through that burden, or each burden, one at a time. Truthfully, God is closer to you now than your own breath. If you meditate on just that one concept, you will feel better. Do know that I pray for you, and also know that you will be OK in this.
Hugs & prayers,