[ Post a Response | The Sublime Desire of Cigarette Smoking ]
Posted by Petra on January 28, 2010, 12:16 am
I woke up the day after my smoking escapade.Workday. What was I thinking about. Petra smoking. That is not possible. I was about to throw the white and green pack in the garbage but I was in a hurry to work so I forgot about it. It was a busy monday and I had no time to think about other things than patients and meetings. I had already started to get special tasks and big responsible in my work as a young med.
I was out shoping after work. Walking the streets in city I couldnt help noticing people smoking. Women in my own age with similair lifestyle. Not just trashy people. They seemed happy and confident. When I was about to get back home I noticed a Woman, maybe between 35-45. It was difficult to say. A bussiness woman talking in the cell phone while smoking a long all white slim cigarette. She was very classy dressed with a black suit, heels, painted nails. She looked so smart and confident. Taking luxuryse drags and blowing out big clouds of smoke. Sometimes playing with the smoke casualy in different ways. I couldnt take my eyes of her. I was secretly looking amazed at her.
I went home did my work out and had dinner. I zapped between different channels and stopped at a new show from US that has been on NBC - The Pretenders. And again. This extremly classy, confident woman Andrea Parker that was smoking so enjoyable. I got that feeling again. What if I tried a cigarette again. How would I look with a cig smoking? I knew of course of the risks with nicotine, it is highly addictive. But just to try what its like couldnt be a risk. I was also courius about what it was like to smoke. Why did some look so happy and enjoyable?
My haert raised and I was shaking while I again put out a cig from the packet. Light it was no problem. I felt again the smoke in my mouth and I blew it out witout inhaling. I again put it to my lips but this time inhaling. It hit my lungs and i felt that tingling sensation again. I knew it must be the effects of the nicotine. I continuing smoking slowly with small puffs and had to go to the mirror in the hall and watch myself. It was very strange, I could almost not believe my eyes. Petra smoking, what if someone saw this. My heart pounded even more, I even shaked a litte bit. But I was also amazed of what I saw. It was sort of sexy, I felt hot. I deashed in a glas of water.
I felt a warm feeling in my body and got light headed. Again I thought of the woman I had seen today while shopping. I tried to imitate her. Felt a little silly but more thrilled and sort of sexy feelings.
I smoked all ow the cig, it was to easy. I reluctantly blowed out the last inhale that was quite big. It actually felt very good and I was thrilled. I got second thoughts, what am I doing? I cursed myself of feeling what I felt. I flushed the butt in the toilet and washed myself intensely.
I sat softly in the sofa thinking about what had happened. I could now understand why people could find it enjoyable to smoke. I understood why my friends friend on the party the other night whom I never could have expected being a smoker was a smoker. But I also felt ashamed. Almost no one of my friends and family smoked. I am a med proffesional.
I was thinking about how femenin and sexy I felt. Maybe I should buy those georgious hot high heel boots I had seen. I had never had such before, they were a little to much for my person or what people would expect from me. I buy some hot ones but some that are very classy and of good quality. Thats the one I would like.
The next day after work I went straight to the streets in city with the expensive designer shops. I was a bit nervous but had encouraged myself during the day. I had done some research earlier and more the night before on internet.
I found a shop that had some very classy but also sexy boots. I got plenty of help. It felt good but a bit nervous. I ended up buying a pair of GML black leather botts with pointed toe, about 12 cm spiked heel. They were absolutly fantastic. But also very expensive with a price around 500 E. That was no problem while I have a good salary and comes from a wealthy family so I also have good savings.
After dinner I thougt that I should try my new boots to get them "walked in": We were some friends going out on friday and I planned to wear my new boots at the club.
I got a special feeling taking them out of the box to try them om. They were so pretty. You could se the quality in each detail. And thy were so soft on the foot. Despite the high heel and the pointet toe it felt like walking in a very comfortable ordinary shoes. I had to do some training with the heels. But as a former athlete i learned quickly. I walked around and got to the mirror and saw myself. Wow, that was something. I felt very hot. I did also put my new leather coat on over my white blouse. I put out my hair. That was a new Petra. I got the idea of adding a cigarette in my hand to this picture. Again with shaking hands I took a cig out and put to my lips. I watched myself ligthing it and drawing it so the cheeks hollowed a bit. I inhaled watching myself intensily in the mirror as watchimg someone else. It was such a thrilling moment. I got wet in my pants. Remembering the women ive seen I tried to play som with the smoke. I let the smoke drifting from my mouth slowly. Now it was almost naturally to inhale the smoke and keep it for a moment in my chest. I ashed in a glas of water and smoked also this cig to the end. I almost missed it when the but was in the water. It was a stunning moment.
I woke up sa from a day dream. It was smoke in the apartment and my fingers smelld of old cig butt. Again I asked myself what I was doing. It was wrong but I have enjoyed myself very much. I liked my new feminine side and was planing to be more open with it, I would take it in steps. The smoking was as i rationalized just something that i tried of couriosity to know what it was like. Now I knew that it could be very enjoyable though i didnt find the taste so good, but it wasnt bad either. Not as second hand smoke. That was strange.
The day after I decided to treat myself to one cigarette after the late news before bed. The same thing happened thursday night. I didnt se that my inhales became more full and that i kept the smoke in my chest a bit longer. Now afterwards can I remember this. I did rationalize that this was just a short adventure to know what it was like.
Friday night was the day out with som of the girl friends. Some old friends and some working friends. We would be 7 girls. During the day I had have some thinking about to night. I had been doing some more shopping during the week. A lot of new clothes, feminine and expensive. It felt good buying them. I would dress up more than usual this night and put on some more make up. During my long lunch on thursday I had gone to a make up shop to get some advice and buy som more make up.
Not to go to far I put on a designer jeans rolled up over my new GML boots and i neat top. Big ear rings nice make up and my new leather coat. I looked at myself in the mirror and felt hot and confident. I was ready to meet my friends in Annas apartment. Looking at myself I come think of smoking. I cursed myself of thinking that. This adventure should soon be over.
I entered Annas nice apartment. She was an old friend. Hi, she said. Then just looking at me with open mouth. Petra, you look great, so different. Hot. I smiled back. I was out shopping and found something I said. Come in and get you something. Ive made daquiri and margeritas. I know you like the. Take som snacks. Some of the girls are in the other romm and on the porch.
I went in and got same positive respons and compliments from the other girls. I saw that Nora the girl from the party at my house was there.
We had a nice hour with drinking and talking before going to the club. I had watched Nora taking one cig at the porch during our talk. She seemed to enjoy as much as earlier taking deep drags with long exhales. I now saw the she let a ball of smoke come out after the huge drag and then quickly pöping it back. It looked nice. I must try that sometime I thought immediately cursing myself for thinking that.
We went to the club had very funny, drinking, chatting and dancing. Nora smoked more cigarettes (you could smoke inside at that time). I watched her with mixed feelings. I was a little bit tipsy and felt now a nagging need to smoke. I did blame myself for that thougts but as I were a bit tipsy the thougths went away. I did also se my collegue, The nurse Susanne having a cig, I didnt know she smoked. strange, we sometimes run during our lunchbreak together. She didnt seem to mind smoking. Being tipsy I thougt about buming a cig but of course did not.
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