[ Post a Response | The Sublime Desire of Cigarette Smoking ]
Posted by closetfascination
on February 2, 2009, 8:10 am, in reply to "Re: Darker Desires / "The Politics of Self-Acceptance""
"Simply tell him that you've smoked on several occasions, and that you plan to do it again."
Well he already knows about my previous history with smoking, that all came out when I told him about the fetish. I've even told him I want to do it again. Part of me feels like he needs to see me do it, in order for him to understand. Because I think- maybe I'm wrong in my psychoanalysis of my own boyfriend, he can't picture me doing it. He ultimately sees me as a non-smoker (as does the rest of the world) and I think the fact that he hasn't seen me do it, makes it easier for him to live in denial a bit. It is going to come out though... because as long as I kept the fetish secret the first time, coming out to him felt so good that I don't think I could keep my smoking from him. Plus- if he knows, I'm more likely to be able to use that to my advantage.
"CF, you already *are* a smoker!"
Clearly I am in denial then... 
I guess I have been a smoker for awhile then- just with very long intervals between cigarettes. I still don't think of myself as a smoker though... and quite honestly will probably always be "in the closet" to most of the world. I think the significant other has to know... which is why mine will find out a some point (no not another 4 years down the road) Soon... I think... and I see your point of sooner rather than later. No I don't want to drag this out for another 4 years only to find out I spent a lot of time and energy on someone who could not accept all of me.
And no- I do not see nicotine as being the deciding agent- only I do feel it strengthens my psychological pull toward smoking. I don't know if that makes sense, so let me put it a different way. With the amount I already have thoughts of smoking and sometimes even cravings and urges- part of me wonders what would happen if I added a physical element. I fear it might take away my much jealously guarded self-control.
...I'm convinced that you absolutely could overcome the lesser pharmacological element and quit and never smoke again if you really, really wanted to completely stop."
Oh- I'm sure I could beat the physical part no problem... but because of the fetish I am pretty sure these psychological desires will always be there on some level and think if I ever do become physically addicted, there will be no turning back. I'm not sure I would want to stop...
And because of that... you are absolutely right on this point:
"Perhaps it might be best to simply confront this fear head on, and to recognize that whoever you are with needs to be O.K. with the possibility of you becoming a daily smoker, even if it never happens. Neither of you needs to have the pressure of worrying about this constantly, don't you think?"
Thanks for the in-depth response. I always appreciate your insight!
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