This is an abbreviated take on some of the origins of my smoking fetish...
Your wonderfully elegant story of your smoker’s journey inspired me to write. I should be doing homework, but sometimes you just have to go with the moment.
Hope you all enjoy!
Hey, check this out: I too was extremely much turned on by the unscrupulous and BAD girls at school when I was a kid – yes the ones that smoked.
(Disclaimer: I am going to explicitly refer to 'minors' in the tale here, but it is merely a retelling. I was also a minor at the time, so this is not an adult lusting, it is the story of a teenager lusting for other teenagers – allowed, I believe)
Aside: This tale hearkens back to the middle 1970's by the way - when as V. notes, times and attitudes toward smoking were extremely different than today. If you weren't there, you can never even imagine, but that is another story for another day!
On to my story -->
In my school, the girls that smoked were of the popular and hip crowd, the so-called achievers, and the ones that were involved in sports. The female smokers in my high school were the ones that participated in extracurricular activities and organizations, and the ones that got the good grades. It is interesting that these girls were also the ones that were physically attractive, the girls the guys pursued with zeal. These smokers were not ashamed to be known as sexual. They flaunted it.
I know... it is completely contrary to everything we have been told — the smoking girls in my high school were the popular ones, the 'winners', the 'achievers', the desirable ones. I am not making this up, and believe me, I noticed this and in my mind I examined the implications.
I used to dream of being like they were, dreamed of being able to hang out with them, but I was a loner and shy — an only child who was overweight, entirely and socially inadequate! The best I could do was to dream.
I dreamed up all kinds of scenarios around cigarettes.
You see, things that occurred in my younger life had everything to do with my ongoing and always search for meaning and my identity. I was abused when I was young and somehow it had the result of erasing a good part of my hard drive – especially the part of it that told me who I was in relation to others. So I always studied other people and when I studied people, I noticed things and drew what conclusions I could. The conclusions (however flawed they might have been) I drew from the type of girls I saw smoking were that the “powers that be” were trying to lie to us!!! (???) I then took it upon myself to prove this.
On every occasion I had, I would watch the hot girls, the smart ones that got good grades, the ones that drove the boys wild — smoke cigarettes.
I watched those girls smoke cigarettes and I was convinced this was the key to their sexuality.
Smoking was what made them stand apart from the other girls, whom in comparison were merely Plain Jane's.
Smoking cigarettes placed them at odds with the consensus we were expected to buy sight unseen: that smoking kills and is harmful to your health.
If it was harmful to my health and such a bad thing, then why did it look so evidently sexy and cool when practiced by the achievers, the girls that had the rest of our class in the palm of their hands?
I didn't get it, but I was determined to find out.
I tried it on my own - (since none of my few friends smoked there was no one to experiment with) - with half smoked cigarettes pilfered from the tall cylindrical ashtray outside the local grocery store entrance.
I would carefully grab at least 5 or 6 of them out of the white sand. The ones with the lipstick on the filters were the desired ones, as I was able to fantasize that one of the girls was the one who extinguished it as she walked into the store, exhaling smoke into the air as the double doors slid inward.
I would go to my 'special place' down by the creek and lay on my back with my pants down to my knees and do what a teenage boy does so well, except my mind's images did not involve vagina's or breasts or even nakedness.
They involved teenage girls, fully clothed, smoking.
This was the beginning of a lifelong battle to reconcile the two messages:
(1) Smoking is for losers.
It will shorten your life and kill you, if you have any sense, you will not smoke –
--- And the other message was:
(2) This is what makes us so desirable, this is what we do that makes us more alluring than the other girls – we collectively spit into the face of the people that tell us not to. We ignore the nonsense the adults preach. We all know that we are the ones — we have our entire lives in front of us, and we are going to apply our sexuality, our glamor.
They were saying: We are smokers and we will do whatever we want to.
Yes, I bought it hook, lighter, and sinker.
I was convinced this was the holy grail of sexuality. The images that turn me on most are those of the ‘girl next door' smoking.
You know — the one that looks like she wouldn't dream of it — the girl that you just know is too smart to do something as filthy and horrible as to smoke cigarettes: the good girl.