[ Post a Response | The Sublime Desire of Cigarette Smoking ]
Posted by Hey Now (&v)
on May 14, 2008, 4:45 am, in reply to "A-B-C..."
Message modified by board administrator May 15, 2008, 3:20 am
Yeah Yeah Yeah...
sure...
whatever.
Okay.
No, I am not gonna do the 'traditional' thing and place myself within the context, as per the rules...
Alright Marcus, and alright V:
Listen, about a whole year ago I shared my heart out here.
When I was done sharing there was almost nothing left (I am sorry but I think it was under another 'name').
It has taken me this long for my writing heart to come back. 
I'll try though.
Me - a formerly goofy and extremely distraught kid. I was an only child of two people that NEVER should have had kids. They had no idea how to raise a child. I swear to God, as far back as I can recall I was left figuring out how to get by and get what I needed my own way - whatever worked you could say. I had no sense of self at all. Never did. I was always searching for something to anchor myself with. Something to make me real.
I feel like I had No connection with anything "normal". No experience of who I was.
I was searching HARD and WIDE for a way to connect with others.
I was relatively unsuccessful at most of my attempts - I had a thing about alienating others, I was good at it. Think about it - who would want to be anywhere near someone in such a state? I know I sure wouldn't. As an adult, I think I would have referred to this kid as an Energy Vampire. Hahahahahaha.
Anyhowwww...
As I grew into young teenager.
I had thoughts and feelings involving girls. Problem was NONE of them wanted to have anything to do with me. I was a f###ing freak and hard to be around. (duh)
As time marched on, I sank further and further into my own world. Desperate to connect, yet shunning everyone and everything. (Prime candidate for that there fetish thing to take seed, I know).
I used to go to the game room in the back of the local bowling alley near my house.
There, standing at the foosball tables, the sexiest women (16yr olds mostly!!! hahahahaha) hung out and smoked like chimneys.
SEXY SMOKING CHIMNEYS.
OMFG.
I was struck by how cool it looked, the long clouds of smoke blown through their lips!!!
And they looked SO sophisticated doing it. I can recall [...] getting hard inside of my pants. I mean, I was practically ready to come right then and there, with NO manipulation, no help at all. The image was so powerful. I can barely describe how good it felt and how, in my strange mind, it enabled some version of that 'connection' I was so desperate for, to occur.
I knew it was bad and wrong, but these INCREDIBLY SEXY girls were doing it, and they were so cool!!! (and 16yrs old too).
I was searching for some way to connect to others and to myself.
If you were to ask me then, that was not the case, but at 40-something, looking back, it was all about that.
I was searching for a connection within me more than anything.
A connection that I could project outward and somehow connect to others too(??).
I was able to achieve this thorough cigarette smoking.
Wild huh?
I am well aware that this wasn't 'in reality' but hey, whatever works.
I went to that Bowling Alley obsessively like a Evangelistic Christian goes to church!!!
I was obsessed.
Watching women smoke became the only connection to my sexuality.
I learned to first [...masturbate...] and bring myself to HUGE orgasms while smoking stolen (the grocery store had them out by the checkout line in those days) ciggys at 15.
The thrill was great (still is).
This went on for years and years, this obsession of mine.
It still does.
Can you believe it?
The thing is, the more I engage the fetish, the more it engages me.
I cannot stop thinking about women smoking.
AHHHHHHhhhhh.
I am not going to say it is a 24/7 thing, because there are plenty of things in my life that distract me from it, but for real... it is always right there, just under the surface, ready to rear it's ugly/sweet little head.
I am a hopelessly addicted to the fetish - smoking fetish freak.
I love it, yet I hate it.
I would love to be able to have 'normal' sexual desires, yet due to the fact that my formative and successive sexual preferences have been based primarily upon smoking-eroticism, there is a snowballs chance in hell for that huh?
So there, that is a little about me. 
V notes: Just made two "PG-13" edits - indicated above - to Hey Now's colorful sexual lingo. Rest assured that essentially none of the original visceral impact should be lost on the reader, and the remainder of his remarks remain quite wonderfully intact. 
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