[ Post a Response | The Sublime Desire of Cigarette Smoking ]
Posted by vesperae Sorry that it has taken me a few days to reply. “I also agree that it is very likely that your GF’s behavior towards you and her comments about smoking to you are strongly influenced by the fact that you are a “sporty” non-smoker, and are also her BF.” I guess that I am trying to get at two different ideas here in this exchange. The first idea has to do with the ethical implications of how one partner’s SF can influence the smoking behavior of the other, and how these ethical implications can ultimately cause the partner with the SF to feel guilt and remorse over his/her influence. My belief is that the only way to alleviate this potentially devastating sense of responsibility is for the partner with the SF to make sure that his/her partner understands that smoking is an essential (but not the only) part of the sexual equation. My opinion is that anything less than this shared understanding of just how important smoking is will put the partner with the SF at serious emotional risk for guilt, and isn’t really fair to the other partner, because it means that she doesn’t have all of the facts about a relationship that she has invested a great deal of time and energy in. Is there a tremendous risk that the relationship might end if this shared understanding doesn’t come early on? Certainly. But weigh this possibility against the possibilities of her deciding to quit for good and succeeding at it, or becoming ill (or worse), or having her discover the full extent of your SF at some point in the future and feeling betrayed and leaving you over the omission. But it certainly sounds like she wouldn’t be surprised to learn that her smoking is a cornerstone of your relationship for you, based on the fact that you have already expressed that you think her smoking is sexy. However, if she understands just how deep your attraction to her smoking is (regardless of the reasons), she will have all of the information that she needs to know to make a fully informed decision about the future of your relationship, and about the future of her smoking. In some ways, her relationship with you wouldn’t be unlike her relationship with her cigarettes if this were to happen. Just as she is now fully informed about the dangers of smoking, but continues to smoke anyway, if she is fully informed about how significant her smoking is to your sexual attraction to her, then she will also understand that there are dangers involved in remaining in the relationship. Choosing to remain with you would be not unlike choosing to continue smoking. And given my impression of all of the things that seem to punch your SF buttons, I would have to imagine that viewing your relationship in this way could be very exciting for you. The second idea has to do with something that I’ve talked about over and over again – understanding that our Darkest SF Fantasies are rooted in the emotional arousal of recognizing the Risks and Dangers of smoking, and that the only way that many of us can effectively entertain our recognition of the Risks and Dangers of smoking is to imagine the worst. But that doesn’t mean that we really want the worst to come to pass, and therein lies the distinction between being overwhelmed by our Darker Fantasies, and accepting them as outgrowths of an attraction that we didn’t choose to have in the first place. As we’ve discussed before, and as I alluded to in my last, I think that the influence of AS PSAs is often essential to developing a DS attraction to smoking. And as we’ve also discussed before, it would seem that your reflections and stories all seem to embody the classic approach of AS PSAs – girl smokes, arrogantly ignores the risks of smoking, and is punished for her arrogance by coming to a bad end. A AS PSA achieves it’s payoff/climax in it’s depiction or implication of the “bad end”, so this is the point that many DS SF Fantasies focus on. Again, I agree that sharing the details of your Darker Fantasies with your GF would be too threatening to both of you, and would also serve no useful purpose to either of you, but this also seems rather beside the point. Whether you indulge yourself in fantasies of her demise due to smoking, or simply found her smoking to be visually glamorous and exciting without any DS ideation, the net result is the same – your SF will undoubtedly influence her to keep smoking, and her risks will be the same, regardless of what private thoughts and fantasies form your SF. The only way that you’ll ever be able to hope to let yourself off the hook (or potential hook) of guilt over your influence on her smoking is if she knows just how strong your attraction to her smoking is. The reasons for the attraction are irrelevant to the real world implications of the presence and influence of a SF in a relationship. *Cheers* Pete! * * * * *vesperae
on March 31, 2007, 8:37 pm, in reply to "But she is aware (up to a point)"
Hey Pete, 
Not sure what you mean by:
I meant that she probably recognizes that her experience as a smoker is something that you can’t fully understand, and so there are likely many thoughts about smoking that she doesn’t express to you, because you lack the shared frame of reference. I’d also have to believe that the fact that you are fitness-oriented means that you are even more outside her realm of experience as a smoker. (Perhaps she is even secretly envious of your vitality?) And given the fact that you are her partner, she is probably also somewhat concerned about the possible health implications of her smoking on you, and on how it might negatively impact the relationship, regardless of your reassurances to the contrary. My point is that there are several things here that are bound to filter her truest thoughts and feelings about smoking when she is talking about it with you.
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