[ Post a Response | The Sublime Desire of Cigarette Smoking ]
Posted by Pete on March 21, 2007, 1:12 pm On the one hand I am a loving caring boyfriend with only my girlfriends best interest at heart and then there is my secret psyche with dark fantasies and visions of her cruel and premature destruction at the hands of her cigarettes. There are little moments where the two come in to play. I make no bones in that yes I do encourage my girlfriend to smoke and have said before I actively create an environment where she is very comfortable smoking. Often before leaving the house I will ask her is she has her cigarettes? Nine ten out of ten of course she has. It looks like I am only thinking of her ‘well being’ when of course you all know my deeper darker motives really aren’t considering her ‘well being’ at all. Something so innocent but when coupled with my darker motivations, well I find that very erotic. On a similar vein and yes I have mentioned this before is when I may light her cigarette on occasion. Maybe after a meal sitting at the table I will pick up her lighter and light her cigarette. It could be perceived in a romantic way, a little chivalry or just a throwaway gesture from times gone by. But to me it’s so much more. She is letting me bring her cigarette to life. She is letting me throw the dice for her this one time. Could this be the cigarette that is the final catalyst for those cells in her lungs to start to mutate? A cigarette too far? A little more plague on her arteries. She cant imagine the dark thoughts racing through my mind as she inhales deeply and coyly smiles at yes what she reads as a little romantic ‘caring’ gesture. A little gesture that offers such approval on her smoking and here I am taking pleasure in that I’ve just played a little part in killing her just a little more. I enjoy that dark thought so much. My secret dark thought. So much more in my mind to something so simple. Something that so many really wouldn’t even give a second thought to holds so much more. I’ll place a clean ashtray down on the table in front of her. Nothing really but yet more subtle little encouragement to smoke. She works in a high stress environment “Honey have a cigarette it’ll take the edge off.” (and maybe so much more?). There have been times when I have accompanied her outside so she can have a cigarette as I’m a non smoker it looks or could be taken like a protective gentlemanly gesture. But I cant protect her from herself and don’t want to. The biggest danger not from some possible third party but from the cigarette in her very hand. Couple of weeks ago we watched a little snippet on television about gym going over sixty fives. How active and fit they were in their twilight years. My girlfriend said she wouldn’t get there. She said it in a joking manner. Of course she is expecting to have an active and fruitful retirement because it wont happen to her. It will be different for her just as all the smokers who have gone before once thought. I said of course she would and yet I wonder? The cigarettes in her handbag certainly aren’t helping indeed they will do their damndest to make sure she doesn’t. And if she does get there? I’m pretty sure she wont be heading down the gym. Whose knows just what sort of impact smoking will have on the quality of her life in the years to come. In some ways she is a damsel in distress maybe not tied to a railway line but her life threatened equally as tangibly maybe by the cigarette in her hand. What if she were to realize the one man she trusts to get her off that railway line in the nick of time was in cahoots with the enemy all along. Indeed had played his part in putting her there? Because in some way it’s so much more erotic to be the bad guy and in some small way I suppose I am and relish it. Pete
One of the most erotic areas in my smoking fetish and I’ve noticed this grow over the years is the kind of dual role I play in our relationship. A Jekyll and Hyde syndrome if you will. I have mentioned this before and explored it a little but maybe its time for another airing.