[ Post a Response | The Sublime Desire of Cigarette Smoking ]
Posted by M G F on August 19, 2006, 7:51 pm, in reply to "Re: *Welcome*! (Parts 1 & 2)" ** Yes. I have a very strong smoking fetish that developed along with my sexual experience. It isn’t easy to describe or, perhaps, characterize; but I’ll see what I can do. I think it was there before, but I had to become sexually active, even if it was only by my own hand as it was initially, for me to make the connection. As I've mentioned before, It wasn’t until I was in my mid-teens that I noticed that I didn’t have the same stamina as non-smokers and many of my smoking friends. This awareness came about around the same time I became sexually active on a regular basis. I think there is a connection. It sounds like you have a very Dominant attitude when it comes to your smoking - both in terms of your body and controlling it, and in terms of the social aspects of smoking and the reactions of others. Would you say that you have something of the "internalized S&M dynamic" that I have talked about elsewhere here? ** Yes! First, though, I’ll share a bit about my Dominant attitude. “My body. My lungs. My choice. I expect My body to meet the demands I put on it just as I expect it to submit to the abuse I inflict, even though that abuse hinders its ability to meet those demands. That’s just too bad. It doesn’t have a choice in the matter. For me, dominance of any sort can’t be completely one-sided and still be enjoyable. In my physical relationship with Marcus, we are equally dominant. Neither of us would enjoy it if the other were always submissive or dominant. My dominance and control over my body, particularly as involves smoking isn’t one-sided, either. Sure, I forced it to accept the abuse, and yes, I continue to willfully inflict it in the face of abundant evidence of why I shouldn’t; but if my dominance was complete, I wouldn’t have a very deep and real physical need to smoke. As far as the social aspect and reactions of others is concerned: I vividly remember one day when I was 4 or 5 years old stamping my feet and yelling at my father, “You can’t tell me what to do!” Every time this 36-year-old woman lights a cigarette and inhales, that little girl with the brown pigtails is alive and well. “The notion that I am getting at is the idea that a smoker develops or creates this internal division between her Will/Ego and her Body; and her Will/Ego derives Sadistic pleasure from inflicting damage to her Body, and her Body in turn derives Masochistic pleasure from being damaged.” ** You, Marcus, and I are in clear agreement on this notion. I think that the S&M aspect you describe so well exists in all smokers to some degree. Most probably aren’t aware of it at all, and would be very uncomfortable with it if they were. Part of what attracted us to, and fueled our pursuit of, each other was an appreciation of that quality. One day fairly early in our relationship, I asked him it he would mind walking me to my car that night. (Guys aren’t the only ones who use ruses to get someone into the back seat. I wasn’t usually on campus after dark and could play the ‘shouldn’t walk alone on deserted streets’ card.) He agreed, and after my meeting that night, we set out for the eight level parking deck. I decided we would take the stairs. It was the first time either of us had seen the other get out of breath and we were both quite pleased when we saw the other light up. One or the other of us said something like, “Let’s show our bodies who’s boss.” To which the other replied, “I think mine enjoys the abuse.” That brief, somewhat out of breath exchange opened the door for some wonderful future conversations. People have safety words to prevent them from going too far, but smoking doesn’t. Nice. “The idea that I am suggesting also extends to her Will/Ego deriving Sadistic pleasure from inflicting damage/discomfort on others around her via the secondhand smoke that she spreads throughout her environment.” ** I’m not sure to what extent it extends to inflicting damage on others by way of second hand smoke, but think it is does to at least some degree. I acknowledge that part of my hesitation is probably a reaction to the over the top claims that have been made concerning the effects of second hand smoke. (I’m not for a moment suggesting that second hand smoke isn’t bad for people. Whatever the contaminant, a polluted environment isn’t good for people.) Part of it is also that I am by profession and nature, a healer. I don’t take pleasure in seeing others suffer and do what I can to prevent them from coming to harm. The fact that I will deliberately hold Marcus down and force smoke into his lungs from mine and let him do the same to me isn’t an example of enjoying watching someone suffer of get harmed because we both enjoy it and it is part of something much larger and complex. So, here I am, a healer: A healer who does not limit her smoking to only when she is alone or only around other smokers. If I am in a public place or private establishment where smoking is allowed, I am going to smoke and the non-smokers can’t stop me if it bothers them. I like that.
"Are you comfortable describing your relationship to smoking as having a Fetish aspect to it? Would you say that you have a Smoking Fetish? And if so, at what age would you say that you realized you did have a sexual response to smoking? And how did this awareness progress for you?" 
I was not only discovering and exploring my body’s physicality and my sexuality, I was also becoming more acutely aware of the consequences of smoking. I remember one summer evening when the fetish came clear to me. I was on break at work and had stepped outside to smoke. I lit-up and took a long drag and inhaled it very deeply exhaling slowly after letting the smoke linger in my lungs a while. My thoughts turned to the boy I was dating and our eagerly anticipated time together later that night. What we would do with each other was not unlike what I had just done with my cigarette: Drawing in, tension, release and gentle retreat. I took another long drag and savored the moment. All the assorted sensations and feelings that had been trying to poke out of my subconscious had coalesced into something beautiful. Smoking’s interaction with my body has only become more alluring to me as I have continued to smoke, as has the fact that it is alluring to others with the fetish. Then there’s the whole S&M aspect, but I’ll get to that later. Oddly, perhaps, I am not aroused by the sight of a man (or woman) smoking the way Marcus can be aroused by seeing an attractive woman smoke. The Risk I share with the other person, and knowing that we share it, is, however, Very Exciting. I guess my fetish is for my own smoking and for the Risk other smokers take. I hope that makes sense. 
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