Posted by Ezy
on October 29, 2009, 10:26 am, in reply to "Classic VIZ Letters - Part 1"
P Neville Appreciation Society
--Previous Message--
:
: * Hats off to the witty burglars who stole
: my entire CD collection with the exception
: of "There is Nothing Left to Lose"
: by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when
: sentencing, the judge takes into account
: their splendid sense of humour. Chris
: Scaife, Jesmond
:
: * What's all this nonsense about that
: 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's
: oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
:
: * Peter Andre might look smug in all his
: wedding pictures, but I'd just like to
: remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have
: seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my
: wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P
: Boddington, Ringway
:
: * Imagine my shock at getting a letter from
: my doctor advising me I only had a month to
: live but thankfully the letter was not for
: me but for my son with the same name who
: lives with us. Close call, Yours
:
: * What is it with diabetics? One minute
: they're on the floor with a loved one
: standing by screaming "Give him some
: chocolate! Give him some chocolate!"
: The next day someone offers them a piece of
: chocolate and quick as a flash they say
: "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish
: they'd get their story straight.
:
: * I have just returned from a diplomatic
: trip to the Congo and I can testify that at
: no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
:
: * WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring
: obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their
: attention to hygiene and constant hand
: washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks
: in no time.
:
: * Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm
: drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them
: fat f***ers? Its hardly fair.
:
: * Never mind ventriloquists like Keith
: Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about
: Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on
: telly blathering on about galaxies for hours
: and I never saw his lips move once. Genius
:
: * The person who coined the phrase "as
: different as chalk and cheese"
: obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.
:
: * They say football is a game of two halves.
: Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight
: or nine pints whilst watching a live game on
: Sky TV in my local.
:
: * If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat
: bottomed girls make the rocking world go
: round, isn't it about time that the city of
: Aberdeen received some recognition for its
: contribution to astrophysics?
:
: * These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If
: anything, they slow you down
:
:
: * I would just like to say a big thank you
: to all those wonderful young people who
: stand on motorway slip roads (and in any
: weather) holding up boards telling us
: motorists where they lead to.
:
: * Davina McCall says that dangling off a
: helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700
: foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and
: dangerous thing she has ever done. She must
: be forgetting that she went out with Stan
: Collymore.
:
: * So Sting is able to shag his wife for five
: hours without going off. I know how he
: feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
:
: * I heard recently that, on average, Gordon
: Brown receives two turds in the post each
: week. What I want to know is................
: who's sending the other one?
:
: If I was Peter Andre I would be concerned
: about the amount of time Jordan appears to
: be spending with Different Strokes actor
: Gary Coleman
:
: If you're ever choking on an ice cube,don't
: panic simply pour boiling water down your
: throat.
:
:
: Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's
: remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't
: anywhere near as funny as the original?
:
: I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard
: Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered
: to imagine his life support machine making
: the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da,
: da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he
: took his final breaths. Tripod
:
: I never worry about the destination when I'm
: going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my
: mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in
: customs.
:
: If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited
: three more days, we'd all be calling them
: the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they
: blow things up all day every day and,
: despite their actual lack of success, make
: them at least sound like they were good at
: bombing.
:
:
:
: I just saw a van drive by with the company
: name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I
: didn't know seafood was a problem.
:
:
: It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I
: hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes,
: otherwise we might have to organise some
: kind of rota system.
:
:
: I'm beginning to think there may be
: something in this climate change after all.
: Four months ago it was very cold and now
: it's quite warm.
:
:
:
: A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a
: US tornado told ITV News that 'God would
: make her better.' presumably, that's a
: different God from the one that almost
: killed her with a tornado.
:
:
:
: 'She can dish it out, but she cannot take
: it', I once heard someone say of me. And
: it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm
: allergic to mashed potatoes.
:
:
:
: I heard on the news that the January storms
: had cost this country a billion pounds. What
: an utter waste of money. If anything, they
: did more harm than good.
:
:
:
: So Princes Harry and William are throwing a
: party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of
: their mother's death. I'm glad that they can
: finally laugh about it, but throwing a party
: seems a bit harsh.
:
:
:
: I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put
: his current predicament into perspective. In
: olden days, if you were unfortunate enough
: to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost
: certainly be a pirate. At least he's going
: to come out of this alive.
:
:
:
: Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored
: housewife looking for some action. Eager to
: please the young lady I sent her my ironing.
: That should keep her quiet for a while.
:
:
:
: THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody
: nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives
: in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner
: with.
:
:
:
: TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll
: tell you when you're older' when I asked him
: why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up
: another one's ****: I'm 36 now and still
: waiting for that explanation.
:
:
:
: I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into
: force I will probably employ great cunning
: and not declare that as my job. I'll
: probably say I'm a grocer or something.
:
:
: 'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends',
: or so the commercial says. Imagine my
: disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
:
:
:
: 'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang
: Thin Lizzy in 1976,
: 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing
: it's going to be at the prison.
:
:
: How ridiculous of NASA spending billions of
: pounds to come up with the non-stick frying
: pan. In the weightlessness of space, the
: astronauts' sausages are just going to float
: right out of the pan. If anything, they
: should have been developing something to
: make them stick.
:
:
:
:
: MFI's new tag line is 'You dream it, we make
: it'. They are obviously relying on my dreams
: being mostly about cheap cupboards.
:
:
:
: I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've
: just been told our jobs are moving to India.
: I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit
: India and with the salary they pay me I'll
: be able to live like a Maharaja over there.
: Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
:
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