Nick's paruresis story (2nd part)
Posted by Nick on 22/11/2016, 10:05 am, in reply to "Re: Nick's paruresis story (1st part)"
At the high school, the male toilet room contained one urinal and two cubicles. Nick never dared to use the urinal, but was able to urinate in the cubicles whenever he needed to. Nobody watched at him from over the dividers of the cubicles nor knocked insistently at the door. |
But the school trips were difficult. Nick remember well the first school trip (1978, 15 years old). It was by bus, without toilet on board, 6 or more hour-travel. At a certain point, the bus stopped at a service station, to let us go to the toilet. It was a very difficult moment. Nick did not remember how he resolved the problem, but surely he did not go to the urinals.
In the summer 1978, Nick went with his parents to Verona. They attended a Ballet with the famous dancer Carla Fracci in the Arena. It was beautiful. In the break, he wanted to pee (not urgently) and went to the men’s toilet with his father. Nick remember well the long queue of men waiting for their turn to go to the bathroom. There was only one occupied cubicle, and two urinals without divider; all the men queueing could see the men urinating at the urinals. Nick hoped and hoped that the cubicle would become free, but it did not. When the turn of Nick and his father came, Nick decided not to pee, while his father went. He was again too anxious.
In the summer 1981 (18 years old), Nick was on holiday at Wien with his parents and girlfriend. After a long afternoon when he held his urine, they finally arrived to a site where there were toilets. He entered rapidly the men’s toilet, but he found: all the doors of the cubicles closed (you had to pay for them) and what Nick calls a “wall urinal”: a continuous wall against which men are supposed to urinate. The urine drained into a groove all along the base of the wall (I’ve only seen this type or urinal in Austria). He got suddenly very scared and he came out of the room. But his father encouraged him to reenter and to pee with him. It was very difficult, his legs trembled, he sweated, but he managed to start urinating! At that point another man came in to urinate, but, to his surprise, Nick did not stop the flow. So Nick should have learned that for him the difficult moment was to start urinating. After that the flow would continue till the end. It was a victory, but an isolated one!
Nick remembers a fact that occurred in 1982 (19 years old). He was with some or his male and female school-mates in the house of one of them for a day off. At a certain point, John said: I have to go to the bathroom. Robert said: If you have only to pee, I come with you to wash my hands. This was frightening for Nick: it could mean that, when he would go to the toilet, one of his male-mate could ask the same to him!
At the University the problem continued. Beside the large lecture hall, there was the male toilet room, with 3 urinals without dividers and 3 cubicles. I think Nick never used the urinals, but was very embarrassed if he had to urinate and all the cubicles were occupied: he had to wait, while others were going to the urinals. So he felt very ashamed. In his opinion everyone was able to use the urinals except himself. He felt disappointed and misfit.
When Nick went to the University canteen, he never urinated, because the cubicles were usually occupied and he could not use the urinal. The toilet room was always very busy.
When Nick started working, the building where he worked (and where he’s currently working) had not toilet room for male and female. Just 4 bathroom, each with a basin, a watercloset and a door to be closed. Very nice for Nick. But he did not cope with the paruretic problem.
In 1991, Nick worked at London for 6 months. In the Department there were urinals. He tried to use them, but he succeeded only a few times, when nobody was in and nobody was around. He tried also the urinals in the South Bank Center, and in various Parks of London, but he did not remember any success.
In the susequent years, Nick went on holiday some times to the mountains. Initially, he could not urinate in the open air, but gradually (I do not know how) he became accustomed to urinate in the wood; at the beginning the choice of the place where to urinate was complex, but then it became easier and easier, and sometimes he urinated when his friends were rather closed to him. This was a permanent victory. Today Nick is able to find quite easily a place where to urinate in the country, provided there is some bush or trees.
In 1998 (35 years old) Nick went on holiday in the South of France. He frequented a quite isolated nudist beach, he felt easy with his nudity among men and women, and could even pee in a little wood beside the beach. This was good! It is not nudity that embarrasses Nick. He can go to gyms or swimming pool and undress completely in the locker room and take common showers together other men without any problem. So the problem is not the anatomy of my penis (thought Nick) but his function. I can easily show my penis, but I got anxious if it is to function (peeing) before others.
In 2003 Nick became a father of a son. He decided that his son should grow with more self esteem than himself. Part of the self-esteem derives from being at ease with oneself nudity. So Nick and his son became accustomed to reciprocal nudity without embarrassment, and they can urinate together in their house. They have urinated together may times in the mountains and even once at urinals without dividers. So paternity was very useful to Nick, he developed an increasing self esteem.