I consider my paruresis to be mild most of the time. I canít ever urinate in the urinal I donít even try to now. even when no one is in the toilet I still canít go in the urinal because Iím anxious about people entering the room. However I can go when Iím in a cubicle with other people in the toilet about 50% of the time and then for the other 50% of the time I need to wait for people to leave the toilet before I can go. It all depends on how relaxed I feel.
But my situation gets a little worse. If the above scenario was the end to the story then I would just live with it because to be honest Iíve had it for so long Iím content with the fact that I struggle to urinate in public toilets I just deal with it and I have an amazing capacity to hold wee I can store at least 2 litres in my bladder which is probably down to this condition.
However I have been in the military for 12 years and as a result Iím required to participate in random drug tests. In the last 12 years I have been tested twice (which is a lot less than average) and both experiences were horrific. I shall explain the process;
CDT will turn up to camp a tannoy will be made letting everyone on camp know that CDT are here and movement off camp is forbidden. Youíre then asked to go the area where the drug testing is being held usually the gym. Some times they will call you in-in batches other times it will be a free for all. When you get to the gym youíre called forward and they read you your rights and tell you that you will produce a sample for testing and youíre then escorted to the toilets by an observer who will watch you urinate into a plastic beaker ensuring that itís your own wee and that you havenít tampered with it. If you canít urinate then you go to a separate area of the gym to sit on the naughty bench until you can go.
Now for me as soon as that tannoy is made I start to feel very uncomfortable and nervous because I know that I will struggle to produce a sample. On the 2 occasions when I was tested I was there for around 3 hours and I tried to produce a sample numerous times. The last time I drank so much water I was in physical pain my stomach was massive due to the water, my lower back was aching and I still couldnít go. On both occasions the CDT people couldnít understand why I was having issues and let me use the cubicle with the door shut and with no one else in the toilet but this was after hours of trying; I think they go fed up with me because this is against there procedures as far as I can tell. However even with this I was so stressed out over the whole situation that it still took me around 20 minutes to produce a sample in a cubicle on my own.
Mean while my work colleagues all came and went and saw that I was having issues that left me feeling humiliated and embarrassed. If you canít produce a sample they assume that youíre guilty. I even asked the CDT people if thereís another way a blood test, a hair test something else but they were unable to offer another method.
After this happened I was so stressed and upset I went to the medical centre and booked an appointment to see my doctor. I saw him the next day and explained my issues to him. At first he was dismissive but when I started to explain how I felt he started to listen but he was unable to offer any advice at that point. He asked me to come back in a weeks time.
I made another appointment to see him the following week; he spoke to the military mental health department for advice who advised him to refer me to a psychologist. So at the moment Iím waiting for an appointment with the psychologist who can hopefully help me.
But in the meantime I was called to see OC admin who informed me that my urine sample was too dilute for analysis so next time CDT arrive I will be tested (sometimes they will test a certain percentage of random people on camp) and if my sample is dilute they will investigate into why this has happened twice Ė whatever that means. The whole process made me feel guilty and I feel that they now think I have something to hide.
Iím at the point now that if CDT come I will refuse to give a sample on medical grounds because Iím not willing to go through what I went through last time but that will get me into a world of s*it. I know that CDT can take hair and blood tests but they donít because itís too expensive. I agree with the military drug testing policy but due to my paruresis I canít produce a sample under the necessary conditions.
I just want some advice as to where I stand on a legal basis as this could impact my career massively and Iím starting to feel more and more anxious about CDT turning up when Iím at work. I donít have a formal medical diagnosis and with mental health provision being quite poor in the military it might take a while to see a psychologist.
Any advice would be massively appreciated.
Sorry for the long post.