I am feeling devastated today due to Paruresis. I am ashamed to talk about it to anyone else and hence posting my feelings here. I am a 29 year old male, married and have recently become a father. This post is rather long so kindly bear with me.
I have always had a little bit of shy bladder tendency as far as I can remember. I have always had trouble urinating in certain circumstances, for example - peeing in the open, peeing in urinals in a crowded public restroom with people queueing up to do their business etc. I never gave this problem any concern since these type of 'special' situations were easily avoidable. But lately things have gotten out of hand.
I think things started going bad around a couple of months back. Usually I had no trouble peeing in urinals in my office (unless of course it was crowded as hell). But this one time when I unzipped my pants and stood before the urinal, I realized that I was not able to go. There were a couple of more people in the restroom with me at that time. They left after a minute or so of me standing there, and only after that was I finally able to go. Again, I did not think much of this incident because till that point of time I was not even aware what paruresis was.
The same thing happened for some more times again over the next few days, after which I realized that it was not a one of incident. Even when I was alone in the restroom, I was afraid of going in the urinal for the fear of someone barging in one me. So I resorted to using the stalls. It was at this point in time that I started reading about paruresis and realized I had a mental problem.
I had issues in peeing in other people's houses also. Even with the bathroom door closed, I was afraid that people outside might hear me pee, so I could not go.
I resorted to gradual exposure therapy and started peeing in office by leaving the stall door open. I was successful at that. After a few more days I took it to the next level by trying to use the urinals when noone was in the restroom. I achieved success in that also. I could not pee when people were in the restroom, but had no problems doing it when alone. I still was not able to pee in other people's houses, but my confidence was returning slowly.
Then my life changed again. I went to Mumbai to stay at a friend's place last week. I felt it would be a welcome next step in exposure therapy. I did not have much trouble peeing there on the first day, but things got worse with time, and the last 2 days were really tough. I could only pee when noone else was in the room adjoining the bathroom. I even used to wait till everyone was asleep and then used to pee. I longed to come back home.
On my way back (yesterday) I did not have trouble peeing at the airport restroom stalls. I felt like making a fresh start again. But the worst was yet to come.
I went to office today and used the urinal for my first pee. I had no trouble at all. But on my second attempt, I could not do it and had to use the unlocked stalls. On my fourth pee of the day, I used the stalls with the door open, but could not go. I then locked it and peed. On my fifth pee, I could not pee in spite of locking the stall door. I realized things are worsening with each pee and came back home.
Now I am simply devastated. Let alone starting afresh with gradual exposure therapy, I am fearing things might get even worse. I do not know how I will lead a full time job from tomorrow. Hopefully a good night's sleep with help things. But I am really stressed out now and hence thought of posting this here. Any confidence builders will be much appreciated.