Sounds like you've had a rough week! I have been there. Got scars to prove it and cracks in the doors!
I remember one day seeing something about paruresis on GMTV (or similar) a few years ago. I broke down at that point. 1. because there was someone on TV willing to talk about their condition when I had never told a soul. 2. discovering there was a lot of people with the condition and also people able to help. 3. deciding i was going to go on a workshop. 4. the realisation that paruresis had effected me - as in the past i had been running from it, but at that point I decided to face it head on.
Several times I would walk away from a urinal beaming with a smile. For most people peeing is a routine thing, but like you said you need these successes as memories. And so you want to congratulate yourself, it is a relief also when you go in there not knowing if you can pee but you walk out having done so.
Slowly, over a couple of years I have built up more and more successes and the things that paruresis stopped me from doing are no longer such big issues. I go out more, I drink less, I'm healthier and happier, more confident.
I am pleased to write these things and hope to encourage you, show you that it is possible to be better, because I like to remind myself how far I have come, hope to make sense of it all, and because like most people I'm a decent person and care about my fellow man.
Most people who would ask 'why aren't you pissing?' or 'why are you using a cubical?', most of them are children and they ask because they don't know. Maybe you're the first person they've seen with paruresis. But in the last few years I have noticed lots of people use cubicals, I'm sure lots of people also can't pee sometimes when they are at the urinals.
I often go in and stand at a urinal and 'fake it'. A lot of the time I need a piss but can't go. It does not matter to me anymore if that happens. I just keep relaxed and if necessary go away and come back again a bit later.
Just don't try to run before you can walk. Some toilets are more AP friendly than others - start of with the easy ones.. And take your time. But believe it can and will get better.
You talked before about meditation. I think it is good in general. Will it cure paruresis? I don't know. I think the workshop is the best treatment.
But meditation is good for the spirit. When you first meditate, as you clear your mind, you experience 'upheaval' - can be painful memories, feelings of guilt/shame/grief - this is things coming to the surface that your subconscious has been burying for years.... I think it is a similar thing when people cry or lash out. But it is a beneficial stage because once you have dealt with these feelings, come to accept them (I don't want to get into philosophy or spirituality but in meditation they would teach you to observe thoughts/emotions but not hold on to them - i feed sad, i feel happy, i feel angry - and it does fit in with thought stoppage and 'the boo monster'.....) but anyway I hope you are feeling more positive now and I wish you all the best
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