Hi Cpt. Regarding the 'weak bladder', that is an idea that is inspired from what Andrew teaches on the workshop - one technique is to have a story in your mind - so if someone asks why you used the cubicle, or why you are standing at a urinal but not peeing, you have a response... the funny thing is since doing the workshop maybe 2 years ago now I haven't had to use the story. it is more a confidence thing... which leads me to my next point - you say a weak bladder is socially acceptable but what makes you think a shy bladder is not socially acceptable?
going on to the noises thing - this bothers most of us i think. again it is something andrew talks about on the workshop...
the workshop is definitely the best step if you want to understand and face your paruresis.
on a slightly different note, you say you think your subconscious is pissed with you... stress, adrenaline and anxiety are addictive - chemicals are released when you get stressed and your body becomes accustomed to this state of being. so to begin with you try to pee and then get stressed, but after a while - like pavlov's dog - the thought of needing to pee in the future creates a fear and releases the chemicals - so the first thing i think is to notice, observe these feelings and learn to let go of this anxiety - lose the stigma of believing not being able to pee is 'socially unacceptable'... and then take it from there.
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