Posted by Greg on 2/9/2008, 7:13 pm
Hello Im Greg. Im 21 and Ive been living with Paruresis for a long time now. I can only very vividly remember a time when i could pee in public completely care free. I must have been pretty young. Around 16 or 17 my problem became quite pronounced. I could barely pee in public unless i was sitting down, and at friends places it became increasingly difficult. To buy myself more time i would often (and still do) say I need to go number two. This usally gets me comfortable enough to let it flow. Lately however, this problem has come to a climax. I hardly go out as much as I used to because I constantly think/fear about what the situation will turn into. Will there be a safe bathhroom to pee? Will I have to make up an excuse to leave early (as I often do)? Will I be able to hold it if necessary? Etc... I feel AP dictates almost every move I make. There are so many things I want to do that I literally cant because of this condition! Im always getting invites from friends to join them on trips or weekend outtings. I always decline.. It kills me inside because I want nothing more than to join in on the fun! Im afraid to admit it but I feel its starting to change who I am. I sometimes think some of my friends must conclude that ive become a sort of shut-in. I want to scream and say "thats not whats going on!!!" But of course I dont, and I remain silent.
I recently broke down to my mother about whats been happening. She was very warm and understanding but wondered why I hadnt come to her earlier. I explained that theres no way for somebody without this condition to fully understand it. Its truely debilitating and emasculating. Im a young man for god sakes and my actions shouldnt be dictated by this!!! My mother is helpin pay for me to see a therapist. Ive seen him three times now and told him everything. Hes understanding and committed to helping, but I wonder what all he can do. Hes given me a few good pointers and even has me do this "thought repression" therapy. Its where I tap certain points on my body in order to reduce anxiety. I guess it works a little, but of cousre AP isnt retreating in the least.
I also confided in one of my closest friends just a few months ago. This was very tough for me but once I did it, I was elated. He was very understanding as well and told me he would do anything he could to help. I have yet to start "pee buddy" outings with him, but we will.
Sorry for how long this is, but I must lay everything out. My best friend has been workin for a Heating, Ventilation and Air Conditioning company for a few months now. I just started school a week ago to study the same field. My friend just informed me that they need another guy. He also just got his three month review and told me that in four years he will be fully trained and the company owner promised him a huge salary. This salary is an amount much larger than a school trained technician would make. He told me the job is mine, I just have to say the word. Ive dreamed of an oppertunity like this to come my way. However Im reluctant to take the offer, thanks to Paruresis. Im racking my brain trying to figure out a way to take this job. Im also racking my brain because Im finding it so hard to tell this friend about my Paruresis. He has told me what the work is like and it sounds like it may at times be quite difficult with my conditon. I want to tell him more than anybody. We've been so close since we were nine years old. Im just finding it so hard... I feel like Im at a crossroads. Would taking this job maybe help with recovery? Im so afraid that if I take it I'll find myself holding my pee for 8 hours straight. I couldnt deal with that. But then again maybe that wont happen and it wouldnt be so bad... Im deathly afraid of catheters and wonder if my condition is extreme enough to consider one. I know at times it is, but yikes.. Has anyone heard of desmopressin? Is that realistic?
Im determined to beat this beast! Ive had enough of this irrational way of life. I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!
Thank you for taking your time to read this and ANY feedback would be greatly appreciated...
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