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Posted by sick
on 10/2/2003, 9:18 am
64.12.96.104
in the morning i feel a little sick. hungover maybe. strung out. stretched too thin by years and years of trying too hard. too hard too please. too hard to know. too hard to smile. whatever. at least i'm feeling something. this particular morning i'm feeling sorry for myself because something good was taken away from me and i miss it. i hate that people i know
- friends of mine - are having a hard time, but #### them; what about me? did they ever think how this might affect me? what am i supposed to do now? ####. i hate that i'm such a self involved prick. but maybe i'll get a radio interview. maybe that will make me feel better about myself. maybe that will allow me to live in the illusion that i might "make it" a little longer. what does that even mean? i don't know anymore. it used to mean lots of money, lots of success, and lots of vodka. now i'm just happy if i get through the day without cutting up my arm with my mom's big kitchen knife. if i can get from morning to bedtime without cutting myself while i watch in the mirror, that's making it now. jesus. anyway, i hope my friends are doing okay. i hope they can somehow find a way through. life is so ####ing short and so ####ing brutal and so ####ing hard for so many people...forget what i said. i don't care about how it affects me. i really do hope you all can get through it. i have to go shower now.
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