Posted by David McCannon David McCannon Link: Olympic Pin Collecter and Web Designer
on 11/1/2003, 6:58 am
172.154.56.7
I can't sleep at night. My heart races and I have trouble breathing. My hands and forehead get covered with sweat. I get light headed, and my chest and left arm hurts. I lose control of my body functions, and I feel like I am dieing. I feel totally out of control. It is another panic attack I am filled with fear. Lord haven't I had enough problems with depression, and now I can add anxiety to that. My therapist says that I have control of it. It is triggered by negative thoughts. I feel so helpless, that I don't know what to do. All I know is that my life is filled with heartache and grief and I don't think I can take much more of this. It is hard being mentally disabled and not having a full time job to pay the bills. The bill collectors call most every day, wanting what I don't have to give them. It is hard being sick and poor. I work odd jobs here and there, but the ends seem to never meet. I feel like a helpless beggar, and I feel shame for what I have become. The last two and a half months, I had needed assistance to get by. I want to work and pay my own way in life, but that don't seem very realistic at this time. I am alone and I don't have a mate to share my most intimate feelings and thoughts with. It is sometimes hard being single, and alone. I must be patient and wait for the right one to come alone. Until that time, I must learn to cope and move on. One thing I must work on is letting my guard down and takes a chance. After the deaths of my closest friends in life, and the bad relationships I had, it is hard letting my guard down. I am afraid of being hurt again. Father, help me to make it through this day.
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