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Eternal Screaming-I would really like feedback about this poem

Posted by Lindsay on 12/22/2002, 12:05 am
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I'm thirteen and I'm trying to make my writing as good as I can, and I would appriciate any constructive critisizm. And I know that the poem looks long, but the lines are short. Thanks.
Eternal Screaming
Im bending, Im bending,
Im twisting, Im twisting,
My body is arching,
And I just cant get free.
I just cant get free.
And Im fine on the outside,
Just fine, just fine.
But on the inside Im screaming,
Ahh! Im screaming,
Im screaming.
Maybe I should do something on the outside,
So that people will know,
So that people will see.
See that Im screaming.
What should I do?
I dont know, I dont know.
I pull out the razor.
Is this what I should do?
I pull it across my wrist,
Giving it just enough of a twist.
And its stinging, and burning, and
On the outside Im screaming,
For once, I am screaming.
And then it is over.
I switch hands.
And Im screaming,
On the outside Im screaming.
And I love this.
Each night, to relieve the pains inside,
The screaming inside,
I scream on the outside.
So I pull out the razor.
This is what I should do.
I pull it across my wrist,
Giving it just enough of a twist.
I can see myself,
My soul,
Screaming.
Her hands held before her,
As she falls to her knees.
Her head bends down,
Meeting her open hands.
Open palms
Asking and reaching for so much.
So much that is truly so little.
So little will satisfy her.
Such a tiny thing.
And yet she is denied.
Her hair surrounds her head,
Making a curtain.
Her head in her hands,
Blood begins to seep from her wrists.
And then from her eyes.
Tears of blood.
She looks up,
At me.
Asking,
Asking and reaching for so much.
But I cannot give it to her.
And then that gets to old,
Less painful.
Not enough screaming,
For all that pain that Im feeling.
And it will never be enough.
Nothing ever will.
So I pull out the gun, and put it to my head.
Hoping to lessen the feeling of being mentally dead.
If they didnt see it when it wasnt enough for me,
Then maybe this, this eternal screaming, will make them see.
I close my eyes, and I put pressure on the trigger.
I pull down hard and I hear it scream.
And then blood in my face,
On my hands,
In my hair.
And Im falling,
And it just doesnt stop.
And I dont even have time to scream.

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Eternal Screaming-I would really like feedback about this poem - Lindsay 12/22/2002, 12:05 am
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--Previous Message-- : I'm thirteen and I'm trying to make my writing as good as I can, : and I would appriciate any constructive critisizm. And I know : that the poem looks long, but the lines are short. Thanks. : : Eternal Screaming : : Im bending, Im bending, : Im twisting, Im twisting, : My body is arching, : And I just cant get free. : I just cant get free. : And Im fine on the outside, : Just fine, just fine. : But on the inside Im screaming, : Ahh! Im screaming, : Im screaming. : Maybe I should do something on the outside, : So that people will know, : So that people will see. : See that Im screaming. : What should I do? : I dont know, I dont know. : I pull out the razor. : Is this what I should do? : I pull it across my wrist, : Giving it just enough of a twist. : And its stinging, and burning, and : On the outside Im screaming, : For once, I am screaming. : And then it is over. : I switch hands. : And Im screaming, : On the outside Im screaming. : And I love this. : Each night, to relieve the pains inside, : The screaming inside, : I scream on the outside. : So I pull out the razor. : This is what I should do. : I pull it across my wrist, : Giving it just enough of a twist. : I can see myself, : My soul, : Screaming. : Her hands held before her, : As she falls to her knees. : Her head bends down, : Meeting her open hands. : Open palms : Asking and reaching for so much. : So much that is truly so little. : So little will satisfy her. : Such a tiny thing. : And yet she is denied. : Her hair surrounds her head, : Making a curtain. : Her head in her hands, : Blood begins to seep from her wrists. : And then from her eyes. : Tears of blood. : She looks up, : At me. : Asking, : Asking and reaching for so much. : But I cannot give it to her. : And then that gets to old, : Less painful. : Not enough screaming, : For all that pain that Im feeling. : And it will never be enough. : Nothing ever will. : So I pull out the gun, and put it to my head. : Hoping to lessen the feeling of being mentally dead. : If they didnt see it when it wasnt enough for me, : Then maybe this, this eternal screaming, will make them see. : I close my eyes, and I put pressure on the trigger. : I pull down hard and I hear it scream. : And then blood in my face, : On my hands, : In my hair. : And Im falling, : And it just doesnt stop. : And I dont even have time to scream. : : : :

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