Posted by Jacky on October 23, 2008, 8:45 am, in reply to "mourning my pre cancer body"
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Gratitude is a funny thing. Being grateful for free gifts is one thing, but being grateful for the gifts which come from basic wrongs is another, and it is wrong wrong wrong for a 38 year old vibrant woman to have cancer and have these post-treatment very real problems. I don't see how you can be grateful for that. Sure, you can be relatively grateful that you got treatment when 20 years ago maybe not so much, but big freaking deal when the sadness and anger about having CANCER are somewhat bigger. It may be a silver lining but look at the cloud!
You aren't having a pity party. Mourning is not self-pity and mourning is a long and hard road. It isn't very avoidable either - it is what it is and about all you can do is avoid it temporarily from time to time, but it's there - the elephant in the living room at best.
Those who haven't faced terminal illness, whom Hope and I have nicknamed the Immortals, have a lot of reasons, both good and bad, to try to separate you from the reality of your feelings. They feel safer if you are 'all over it', 'back to yourself', 'normal'. Tough for them and then as women we often try to do what they want. Not necessarily always in our best interests.
Change happens. You would be different than you were 4 years ago no matter what, but it does seem reasonable to predict that without cancer you wouldn't have had these post-chemo traumas nor the self-loathing of your body. There is nothing to be grateful for in these particular changes, except for the gratitude that you are alive to hate them. Pretty conflicting gratitude, imo.
In spite of social pressure to conform, to 'move on', and all that, you are in mourning. Just cuz the immortals don't get it doesn't change the reality of it. 'Getting over it' is not an option - unfortunately you have to get THROUGH it, and they pretty much can't go with you. As you already know it's a dark journey with wildly and brilliantly lit moments and it is what it is.
My personal opinion is that the depression (which btw 75% of breast cancer survivors are diagnosed with) is not well served by denial. You deserve to acknowledge and be acknowledged as a wounded person. Even though those around you maybe can't do that, we can, and we will.
(((((( Nadine ))))))
Healing is more than reconstruction or getting your energy back. One more year and you'll be done Tamoxifen, presumably, and believe me, that will help with some of this stuff. Tamoxifen is a great great drug but has low grade and insidious side effects. When I was done my fatigue lifted somewhat and although I haven't lost the weight, I felt lighter. Healing though is about the emotional ramifications of surviving and mourning and feeling your way to the new reality of what this has meant to you. There's no un-knowing what you know now, and you are changed. Becoming at peace with that, incorporating that change into a you that is easier to live with, these are the tasks at hand.
They are hard.
You can consider some counselling - the cancer center probably has social workers who are well versed in helping people going through what you are going through, and just having a safe place could be enough.
You can certainly consider telling us more here. We do get it. Boy do we ever.
You can journal or pray or do whatever it is that gives you freedom to be you without pressure to behave in some non-you way.
Personally the only thing I'm grateful for about my cancer experience is that it made me more compassionate. I'm sure as hell not grateful about having cancer, having treatment, or suffering from treatment or emotional trauma that both caused. That's never gonna happen.
I went through a pretty pissed off stage where the immortals drove me crazy and they would say 'How are you' (in THAT voice) and I'd say 'Doing good' and they'd say 'Oh thank god' and I'd snap 'Don't be thanking god for giving me cancer dammit'. Kind of a conversation stopper. I don't do that now, but I needed to do that for a while.
Anyhow, I let myself feel what I feel, and I was kind of horrible now and again (but not usually) and the earth didn't stop spinning on its axis and here I am with hardly any scars on my loved ones that they don't richly deserve LOL!
It's not pity. It's not pity. It's GRIEF. There are no time limits on grief.
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