Posted by itdoesntevenmatter on January 19, 2004, 5:12 am
two years ago my two best friends at high school and the only people who ever really knew and liked me as who i was, moved away at the end of that year (one overseas, one far out of town).
from then it's been a downward spiral and i think im at the end of my rope. i can't keep up my facade any longer. the first year after they left I was alright, i hung around with a few people and wagged school all the time. i was compeltely miserable though because i had to change while i was around them. at the end of that year however, i fell out of step. i don't know how but i missed SOMETHING, and suddenly i wasnt doing anything or going out anymore, and school was living hell. there is no one there i can relate to at all. everyone sees me as a loser with no social life. when i try to join in to conversations i find i have no words. even though i still talk to my old two best friends who moved, i miss being social. lately i cant stand it and i become so lonely i dont think i can take it. ive tried doing things with people from school but they seem like another species. i completely lost sense of who i was or who i wanted to be and i feel like nothing more than a shadow of what was. i still have two years left of high school but doubt that i could make it through that long time without real friends. i cant even watch tv anymore because it makes me depressed watching people who actually care and suppourt each other, and i feel ashamed saying it. lately ive been smoking alot of weed which can be pretty fun sometimes but also makes me see the things i hate about myself more clearly.
i can see no way out of this. each time i step up and have hope, all my feelings become repressed and only come back two fold the next time i get emotionally unstable (which is more and more often).
i hate my situation and i hate myself for putting me here
what can i do?
i feel so helpless because though i want to live and i have so many dreams i hold on to, i can't take the suffocation any longer and im afraid that it wont be long before i succumb to it
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