Posted by just me again on 5/28/2004, 11:35 am
24.59.16.201
Another year has almost passed. Sometimes I hate that time didn't stop with you. I know things had to keep going but I'll be 22 this year. How is that possible? Where are you? Why aren't you older than me? Why aren't you there?
I had a dream about you a few nights ago. The only one I have had since you've been gone. You hugged me and told me not to cry anymore, it made me want to more than ever.
I asked you if you knew how much your friendship meant to me, even though we hadn't talked in so long... I asked you if you knew how much I love you, how much inspiration you gave me...you just walked away.
It's ok. I don't feel like I need you to say a word. I know all this shouldn't seem so fresh...sting so much, still hurt so bad...I know I am not the only one who is hurting. I am trying just to give myself the confidence of knowing you are ok, you are free to be and do whatever you want to do. I know you aren't far from everyone. I know you hear us. I know your there.
You just have to excuse the tears and understand how much everyone saw in you. I wanted you to know I am doing my best not to cry, -just to be grateful that I had the time to know you that I did. I am trying not to regret all those times I thought about if you were home, if I should call, or stop by
I didnt know what I would say. Sometimes now, I just shake my head and find it ridiculous that I didn't think I could find anything to say, there are so many things now I wonder if you knew.
I guess you must know...I talk to you all the time. Sometimes I come here and start to write and don't know why... for some stupid reason I just imagine that whatever you aren't hearing, your seeing here...I guess I feel like it helps to close the gap. I know you understand that
we seemed to say the most to each other in letters.
I have been working on a painting
I dont even know how long its been in the making... It never seems finished. I could never sum up what you meant in paint, on one silly canvas
I wonder if you know of it
what you think. Maybe its stupid, but I refuse to explain it to anyone. I just figure anyone who will understand, will just get it.
I miss you so much. I miss your voice, I miss the Jacob sigh that signaled there was nothing more to say but you were there
I miss things just not seeming surreal. At the moment I dont know what else to say
but I know I can talk to you when ever I need to. Probably inevitable that eventually I'll be back here again... Its funny how I thought too much time had passed to have anything to say but now the more time that goes by the more floods into my head. What else is there to say right now, I donno, I-yie-yie
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