Posted by hagen on 5/6/2004, 5:05 pm Josh
141.149.197.106
I came here today to just try and let some stuff out to jake. Well I dont know if youve seen it or not man, since you have been gone I have tried so hard to just keep rocking and hopefully try to keep our pact of "one of us will make it someday" Well sometimes it just seems like that dream of "making it" is looking slimmer and slimmer to me. I have played in more bands than almost anyone here in the area and have not had much success. Im sure youve seen me play in RV, and i love that band and the guys in it, but sometimes I just know that a metal band wont go far. And sometimes I just want to pack up my gear and just give it to someone else who could use it better than me. I don't want to give it up, but I think im on my last rung here and my hands are about to slip on this dream. I guess you could chalk it up to not trying hard enough, and I guess I can't argue with you there. At least you got a chance to play out of state man. I've been playing for years and have barley left watertown. What am I doing wrong? I just wish I had one once of the success that GMR had. Its hard to watch your peers around you get all of this recognition and go on tour and stuff, and here I am, left in watertown with all of these dreams but no way to fufill them. Yeah I know, its jealousy, but I cant lie and say that it isnt. Ive been listening to GMR so much these days, and just think back, back when things were fun, back when doing this meant something. It just doesnt feel that way any more, thats why I feel like I just ought to take the ol guitar and amp and huck it in the garbage, and move on. Sometimes I also feel that my love of music is just holding my life back, not letting me get ahead and make money and start a life like everyone else. But Im not everyone else, you know that. I dont care about money, fame and all of that shit. I just want to play all over. to tour and see this country and maybe more. It feels like I always almost get to that point and something happens that I cant. But than I think of you, and what we used to say. I dont know if I will ever make that dream jake. And it makes me feel like a let down to you. I try so god damned hard. Nothing is working. Than I think of the what if's.....what if I never quit gmr what would have happened than? What if I moved to auburn when I graduated and moved in with you like I was supposed to? What if I went to the last calcium show like I was supposed to? arrrgggghg. See what I think about all of the time. Its almost been 2 years dude, what am I doing with myself? the same ####ing thing I was before 2 years ago. I dont want to be knows to my friends as "that guy who played in 90 bands but never made anything happen" thats what I feel like. Im going to be 21 in 4 days. I look into the mirror and I just ask why cant this dream happen? Why cant I get to go on one measly 2 week tour without any money but with close friends playing shows to kids who dont even know who I am? If that was to happen I could finnaly accomplish 1 dream in life. And right now, its the only dream I have. I wish you were here, so I could ask you these things sometimes. But all in all, theres not a day that goes by I dont think of you. I miss you man.
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