Posted by Chandra It's a horrible coincidence that the day you choose to leave all of us behind was my Birthday. No matter how many years go by I've come to the realization that you being dead will never get easier... I'll never get used to it. The sadness, the heartache, the frustration and the pain is something I know that everyone who cared for you will just have to deal with because it's never going to get easier. I'll never forget you. I'll never stop loving you. I'll never forget the sound of your voice, the sound of your laugh. -The real Jake that I feel so lucky to have known. The day Sar called me to tell me what happened I was at work. I thought she was calling to wish me a happy late Birthday. I walked out of the backroom hysterical and all I could manage to get out was "Jake." My best friend happened to work with me at the time. -Everyone knew who much you meant to me... How much you still mean to me. I didn't need to say anything else. I don't remember how I drove home that day... All I remember is waiting for Billy to get home and sitting outside on my front steps crying and crying. I still cry. I'm fighting it so hard right now (and not doing a very good job.) -You know I woke up that year on the 16TH and just happened to say to Billy, "I wonder if Jake is home... Maybe I could just stop in and say I miss you, it's my Birthday lets have cake." I knew it would break the ice... I knew the time that had passed since we last talked wouldn't matter. I love you Jake. I'll never stop. I'll never forget... I'll never let myself forget how blessed I am that I knew you. I miss you madly. I missed you when we lost touch and I'll miss you everyday for the rest of my life. I wish more then anything I could change the past but I know I can't. My friends have become such an important part of my life since I lost you. I can never take for granted or forget to tell them how much I love them, how much they all mean to me. It is a hard lesson to have learned. I wish I could've learned it some other way... any other way then how I did. I gotta shut up. I just had to vent. Never forget I love you.
on 6/13/2007, 1:37 pm
209.192.59.220
It's almost here again. I feel selfish... for the first time since you left us all behind I'm beginning to feel angry. I've always just been sad, so sad.
Do you know how hard it is to wake up and think Happy Birthday Chandra? I don't know if I'll ever think that again. All I can ever think when I open my eyes each year on that day is you're gone... You're gone and you're never coming back. I'll never see Gar or Bobby or Josh and wonder if maybe you are coming up behind them... I'll never turn the corner and just happen to see you standing there... I'll never hear you laugh so softly and shrug your shoulders like you always used to do...
I can't wake up each year on the 16th and be happy or want to celebrate... It's now a constant reminder that you were hurting so bad you thought you had to go... How can I celebrate a day like that?
You laughed, you smiled, you joked... you were so much more to me then "the blonde kid who "resembled" Kurt Cobain." I'm grateful and feel blessed I knew the real Jacob Pete. It makes me happy that you and Billy worked together and he got to see the silly happy side of you. I know he’s one of the few people who I can talk with you about who really understands the person you were.
I care so much for you, I always have and it's a comfort knowing that Billy got to see know the side of you that I knew.
You know even after we lost touch you still meant so much to me. I talked about you all the time... I bragged about how talented you were. I played your tapes for everyone in my life who ever meant anything to me. I still do when I can manage not to sob like a little pansy. I was always so proud of you and knew you were just going to explode into the world and someday everyone would get to see how incredible you were.
I found out a day later that while I was waking up thinking of cake and presents you were dying. That's the hardest thing to think. I try not to... there was nothing I could do. I feel like I missed out on so much when we lost touch. I only hope you hear me talk to you and you realize how much you will always mean to me.
I've been trying to turn things around... trying to celebrate who you were and the friendship we once and not curse and morn that you are gone. It's so hard to see a positive side of things.
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