Posted by Eric/Pamela on September 12, 2005, 4:02 am I know I have a different form than the textbooks and professionals describe. I get no thrill from the shock. My thrill comes from more organized exhibitionism. I work as a nude model and stripper. I guess it started as a kid when I went to an art exhibit with my family and saw nude drawings of models. I knew then that was what I wanted to do. When I got home, I practiced poses in front of a mirror and found it was incredibly stimulating. I continued merely practicing poses for several years after that and taking self portraits. It was always a thrill to get them developed knowing that someone saw them. When I turned 18 I started working as a nude artist's model. The first time I did it was electrifying. I felt like every square inch of my skin was lit up (a feeling that continues to this day). I had an erection for part of it and it was as hard as it had ever been. Nobody seemed to mind and a young girl was in the class who seemed to have never seen a nude man before and couldn't take her eyes off of me. That experience just fueled the obsession. I then began working for photographers as well. That was the biggest rush, because I could then see what I looked like while posing nude and re-live the experience from a different perspective, the one where I see what she saw. It isn't just the fact of being nude, it is the fact of being nude for women, and particularly young women. My favorite classes and photographers were always women. Having men in the room is always a thrill kill. Sometimes I find myself in my mind trying to have an erection. Creating fantasies in my head to make it happen. Many times it happens without thinking of anything because the experience is so electrifying. But that vast majority of times I don't get an erection, but when I do it's a monster. I worked my way through college as a nude model and sometimes stripper. Stripping was never as much a rush as modeling is because I guess the innocence is missing. But yes, it's still pretty fun, as I get instant gratification from the screams, fondles and tips. The money is excellent, but that is irrelevant. I'd do it for free. Another environment I have for exhibitionism is at the beach or in the yard lying out in a thong. I've only done it when I have girls or women (not under age, under age girls are a thrill-kill for me) as neighbors. At the beach I place my blanket near groups of girls together or women together so they can see me. Ninety percent of the time I either get hit on or compliments. That only strengthens the addiction and thrill. I've never surprised anyone with an erection while sunning. But the experience is like nude modeling where my skin feels electric and my heart races. I fooled myself and others into believing that I model and strip for the money. Deep down I knew that wasn't true, because I'd still do it for free, and sometimes did/do. I've found that I pursue relationships with women that approve of (or tolerate) my obsession. I've been in some bad ones as a result. It's an obsession that is personally satisfying temporarily at the time, but it is something I would like to control. It's not something I can continue and not something that the woman I dream of marrying would accept. I'm not miserable as a result and actually make nice money from it, but it is a controlling obsession that will have no room in the life that I want for my future. Still, it's damn fun. But that is why it's such a hard addiction to break. All addictions are fun in some way. If you got no gratification from them, you probably wouldn't be addicted. _________________________ Dear Eric, Eroticism is part of the joy of being human. When we pursue a focus where a part of our body, such as our genitals is a driving force, there seems to be some lesson waiting in the wings. What besides physical and emotional intimacy are you lacking? Is your worth dependent on a giant penis, and what is that about? What brings you peace and a spiritual centering? My best to you in your journey. Pamela. PS: I don't see you as a weirdo, but only someone who is seeking answers. _________________________ Is your worth dependent on a giant penis, and what is that about? My body image is only part of it. My self value is based on many things: my intelligence, ability for philosophical insight, musical skills, artistic skill, sense of humor, etc.... Exhibitionism is only part of it, as is body image. It's a factor but not the only driving factor in my life. Not all-consuming, but it is time-consuming and a road block for the life I want and the woman I dream of. _________________________ Hello Eric. I haven't been using my yahoo email address. I got your post a while ago, and then recently another notice. I am wondering if there are any females in particular, or perhaps primary in your life, that you are conflicted, frustrated or angry with. I also wonder how self-confidence plays into this sexual expression of exhibitionism. It must be hell to express yourself, knowing that it is an attempt to connect that turns out badly. I think the search for a spiritual path, not necessarily religious, is a way to truly connect with that part of yourself that is more than physical or sexual. Personally, I look for a companion who is mature, giving, into growth, loyal... and trustworthy, thus deserving of my love and loyalty. Sexual expression is deep and satisfying with genuine connection, vs. a shallow ego-based culture-driven one. May you experience this in your life, and believe you are worthy of it. Because you are. _________________________ I am wondering if there are any females in particular, or perhaps primary in your life, that you are conflicted, frustrated or angry with. LOL! Yep! Who doesn't with somebody? I also wonder how self-confidence plays into this sexual expression of exhibitionism. Probably quite a bit. I probably wouldn't work out like a freak if self-confidence weren't an issue or seek approval from strangers. I think the search for a spiritual path, not necessarily religious is a way to truly connect with that part of yourself that is more than physical or sexual. I agree. I've been working on re-connecting with my religious background and history as well as studying the Dalai Lama and the Tao. It's been somewhat helpful. Although the lack of jobs in my area makes it difficult to leave the business and make a serious step away from it. May you experience this in your life, and believe you are worthy of it. Because you are. Thank you.
Link: Post a response
Board Administrator
Hi, my name is Eric & I'm a weirdo
Posted by Eric on September 22, 2004, 8:22 am
devilsadvocate667@yahoo.com
Posted by pamela on September 25, 2004, 8:57 am
dancinthru40s@yahoo.com
Posted by Eric on September 28, 2004, 7:04 am, in reply to "Re: Hi, My name is Eric & I'm a weirdo"
Posted by Pamela on December 22, 2004, 12:00 am
Posted by Eric on December 29, 2004, 2:17 pm
Message Thread:
« Back to thread
