Posted by sha sha
on 7/30/2005, 8:13 pm
12.145.233.182
I moved home to take care of my mother....am I crazy?....I thought I was strong enough to do this...I have regressed into my eating disorder and developed the tension in my neck and back which forced me to try the chiropractor....and voila...the ribcage is opening and I am breathing..despite the disappointment of living around "misery".....My tools I know about have left me.....I am sinking into a "kind" of depression...soooo when I noticed the asthma was disappearing I grabbed ruskin's book and am going thru it again...I have his tapes,, and I also experienced a type of therapy that endorsed so much of what he has marvelously condensed and made PLAIN....Now I am almost 60 !! geez....and sad to take so damned long to get 'real'... ..I have been giving up the food...and at nite the feelings are so intense....when they are there without the food MEDS I really HAVE to breathe....I am trying to accomplish SO MUCH on my own. I hate taking care of my mother...she has been a Narcissist and a very needy person so her passage has been something to watch. I am still glad I came because I have learned so much more and experienced so much that I don't think I ever would have. I am slipping into the thought of how long can this go on???? she is as comfy as she can be....she just loves laying in bed and having everyone 'wait" on her...and I am getting angry.!!I feel ashamed I can't give her unconditional love and there are nites I could not go in and do the usual good nite mom I love you cause I CAN'T!!!iT'S A LIE...I WON'T MISS HER.... I HAVE NEVER ENJOYED HER PRESENCE. ...she is mentally ill..I understand a coupla problems..the narcissism for sure and she is an aca. I intend to become a ruskin devotee now that the lungs are shifting and I will need someone to talk to....should I be listening to tapes instead of babbling here?!!(don't answer that) I know about giving up tv ,,reading too much from a 12 week Julie cameron. workshop and of course I write in journals....now when I read that people meditate so long I just can hardly believe it....I am an artist and I can understand when I work I lose track o f time and it is a type of meditation...it's wonderful...can that count as meditation? ( I know ..I need to read the book....) I am going to bed without eating tonite...I want to believe I can get to a place where I can go thru the evening and not fight thoughts of food...it is also entertaining... to cook...I have to give up my cooking shows....drats......I think I will put up pictures of starving children on the refrigerator....and there are hungry people here too.....all around us...I don't want to be a glutton anymore.... I hope this post is not too long.....good nite...P S how do we know that meditating for two hours is not just a "black Out" from living and just another trade of from doing something more important...why so long? why not just a few minutes I guess that's about allowing the feelings to surface...time...
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