Posted by neo sensing beneath my thoughts i experience feelings and sensations which are ordinarily blocked from my awareness. it's as if i'm befriending a new part of me, although it's not really new, it's always been there, hiding behind my mental walls, unappreciated, unvalued, ignored, denied, unloved, abandoned. there's sadness about this, and for a moment i feel foolish for having lost the plot so badly. but i accept this into my awareness and let it be. beyond the feelings of foolishness are darker, heavier feelings of guilt and remorse for the pain and damage my unawareness has caused to loved ones. the sadness deepens as i trace back the trail of destruction, but once again i open my awareness to let in non-judgement and self-acceptance. it feels as if i've given away much of my sensitivity and power to this emotional black hole. it's as if my energy and creativity have been draining away into the vortex along with my feelings. i momentarily see myself as a one-dimensional, self-delusional intellect on legs! but this painful awareness also carries hope. in seeing who i've become on the surface, and re-connecting with my deeper self as i open to the experience of my feelings and emotions, i sense a potential for integration, healing, redemption, wholeness, true self-expression, and love.
on 6/19/2005, 2:38 am
80.176.159.218
sitting to feel the feelings i notice how strongly my mind grips on to my experience. thinking, thinking, thinking...
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