Posted by Vickie on 2/3/2005, 7:13 am, in reply to "the ripple effects and affects..." In September 2003 my ex-husband was arrested for physical/emotional abuse of our then 11 year old son. It wasn't until I sat at the sheriffs office that it clicked - we had all been emotionally abused for several years. Of course I filed for divorce right away and now am a single mom of a 19 and 13 year old sons. At first everyone was so relieved! And things were great. I began my healing process, which led me to extensive classes and I became a holistic coach. I bravely delt with emotions / feelings / perceptions that first year left and right. What I wasn't prepared for was the day I realized, my God - the children are just like him! They began acting out in anger like him, getting in my face and showing their power. Munipulate me during an agreement - twisting around what was happening. I was shocked and so angry. I was reliving the experince of the emotional abuse through my children. And I felt like all of our lives were ruined. This is what I learned. 1. I needed to separate my children's behavior from their being. 2. I needed to set firm boundries and enforce those boundries. 3. I needed to let them take responsibilies for their behavior and not own it. 4. I needed to love my self and them unconditionally. The children are angry - very angry - and I am the only one left to deal with that anger. I don't own their anger - it belongs to them not me. That is what they will have to over come and heal someday when they are older. In the meantime, I read books (Indigo children is great)and find ways to improve relationships - understand the relationship with myself, children and others. Healing from a abusive relationship takes time. Is it possible when your children act out they are mirrowing back to you areas that are still not healed? I find this true for self. Each time they mirrow it is a direct hit! I go through a large range of emotions. Staying with my anger, my sense of failure, my desparation is the road to my healing. I have an analogy: If you kick a dog everytime you walk past it, it is going to bite you. It will come to the point you don't have to raise your foot as you pass - the dog will automatically act and bite. If you take that dog out and put it in another home - even if it is more loving and no one kicks it - it will still want to bite everyone that walks past it. Time, love and patience - lots of patience will eventually change the behavior. Until then, be gentle to self, love self, and know that God and the angels are with you every step of the way. Blessings to you on your journey. --Previous Message--
199.120.181.200
Angela, I am new to this site and have not received my books yet on emotional clearing. Due to the fact I have studied emotions, ego, self etc. extensely over the last year, I feel that I can join in.
: Currently feel fragile, some weeks
: back the subject of abuse occurred.
: What I want to share is the long
: term ripple affects from an abusive
: relationship ie dealing with the
: absorbed patterns that children
: have. As I write I;m still shaking,
: coz whatever improvements changes
: Ive achieved in this area, with my
: children, I still find there’s more
: and I hurt, am sad, feel resentful,
: anger, despaire, distress and yes
: I’m sitting with it doing the work,
: re asked for inner help, meditated,
: imagined, felt it ....... and these
: have helped, Whereas a relationship
: with a partner thats past its time
: can finally be walked away from,
: learnt and healed, what about your
: own children. I love them, this is
: now, I recognise whats happened, (
: in this case a long while back, re
: patterns), do my best to be what is
: right each moment by moment, yet
: those patterns used by my ex
: partner used to hurt they finally
: got dealt with, when its my own
: children repeating them my god thats
: more than a test, a kind of double
: double whammy, I have dealt with a
: range of these however this time
: the rawness and wariness oh.......
: To those of you who recognise any
: possible involvement in an abusive
: relationship please fast forward the
: potential affects if children become
: involved If there are other parents
: who have moved on from abuse, who
: have children , what do you or did
: you do to move on and develop
: effective healthy relationships with
: your chilcren. Some of it is good,
: however the areas that crop up that
: are really really hard, leave a
: sense of almost total depletion,
: writing this I’ve moved on a bit,
: thankyou for this, for anyone who
: can relate to this situation who has
: successfully moved on and can shed
: some light ................. I think
: at a deep level I have some idea, re
: when a situation occurs that I deal
: with well, and no feelings, Ok,
: those that do represent feelings,
: require integration, this is so hard
: coz I want to run away from it and
: have to face it. and let go of the
: accompanying raw wary feelings to
: respond fresh... sometimes after
: deep meditation this is what
: happens, I guess like any situation,
: that takes you to core despair
: whether through work, with loved
: ones or whatever some trust has to
: be regained, any input?
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