Posted by Vince on 11/7/2004, 8:21 am I've gotten nowhere with emotional clearing because I continue to act out my fantasies. These gay fantasies have left me with no confidence. I don't find men attractive so a gay relationship is not possible. I just find the thought of gay sex as exciting. I am becoming recluse and withdrawn from others because I am ashamed and lack self-confidence. My ex-girlfriend as well as another girl who is a friend of mine said they are not attacted to me because I don't give off the "vibe" that exudes confidence. They are right. I used to feel like a man and had the confidence to meet other women. Now, after years of fantasizing about gay sex, I don't have that confidence. The only answer for me is to stop fantasizing (and getting high) and to face the supressed emotions that I am hiding from. So far I have lacked the strength to go through with it, but it's ruining my life. I'm hurting myself and distancing myself from everyone who loves me. As you may be able to tell, I am hurting badly right now. I went a whole week without acting out my fantasies. But I met my ex-girlfriend last night (we still love each other) yet my confidence was still not there. One week of refraining is not enough to undo years of fantasizing. The core emotions are still there. Anyway we got in an argument and I came home, got high, and masturbated. I feel like a complete failure in my life. I am 38 years old and I am an emotional wreck.
24.152.204.18
I wrote that "I am gay" message last night when I was drunk, stoned, and horny. I fantasized about being gay and I masturbated to it. Afterwards I felt awful and went right to sleep.
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