Posted by Helen
on 8/22/2004, 8:28 am
195.92.67.67
I have read the book twice and am trying to put things into practice. I have also bee in therapy for 2 years and 6 months ago had a crisis where 48 years of negative repressed feelings hit me. It is agony and I am very depressed and anxious. However, I see and believe in the duality thing and know that I am feeling all the stuff I shoved away in my childhood and 27 years of marriage.I understand my feelings are MY feelings but this is my big problem - I hate my husband now yet am needy of him and he loves me, in spite of my vile moods. I pushed away all the things I hated about him and idealized him because I felt so secure with him. Now I need to grow up but feel completely stuck as my grown up self keeps all the negative feelings for him, then my needy self jumps in wanting to love him. Actually I do want to love him but every time I allow a soft feeling for him, in jumps shaking anger, resentment etc etc that make me hate him. I know some of this negativity belongs in my childhood but I dump it all on him because I can't commit to him partly because I think I hate him and partly because I am terrified of intimacy. I really identify the story of Sandy in the book who chose the emotionally unavailable lover and was terrified when he made moves towards her emotionally. I guess what I am asking is how do you know when all the negativity is in oneself or when is it being kept going by a bad relationship? Does anyone else identify with this or have any advice? Sorry for the long post.
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