Posted by Kathy on 1/15/2008, 5:03 am, in reply to "Re: Asking for support"
83.15.200.158
Dear Irene,
Thank you so much for your post I immediately burst into tears when I read it, it was so touching for me that there is someone who can understand what I feel. I became very sensitive now and I give myself over emotions very easily. It is a big step forward for me because I did not cry for years. I called my feeling “boring” not because it is boring for me but so many people experience the heartbreak that for someone who reads my post such disappointment can seem very common. But for me it is even the most painful experience in my life, just because for the first time I am aware of my feelings and I try not to run away. I survived several situations like this in my life but the pain of being rejected by beloved person was never so strong and did not last for such a long time. Although I work with my feelings very intensively I have the impression that I am not progressing in the healing process. I feel that I am in the deadlock. It was very useful for me what you wrote that perhaps I am still unconsciously resisting my pain. When I investigate my feelings it seems to me that I accept them but maybe it happens only on the surface. I also came into conclusion that in my deep mind I am not accepting the circumstances and I still have hope that this man will love me again although intellectually I perfectly know that it is not possible. All this is very hard to me.
All the time I am stacked at heart chakra and the only feelings I can experience is sadness of being rejected and loneliness although I am 100% sure that I have plenty of anger and rage inside but I cannot reach them. Anyway I will keep going on because now I am sure I am on the right path. Thank you for your support Irene, I wish you all the best in your journey.
Kathy
--Previous Message--
: Dear Kathy,
:
: I can understand your pain and
: confusion...and no, I don't see the
: reasons for your pain as 'boring'.
: It is interesting that you call your
: situation 'boring'...that would
: suggest that your conditioned mind
: is rejecting and ridiculing your
: feeling self and your circumstance.
: In his book John mentions that we
: must move from awareness of the
: feelings inside to acceptance. Also
: not only must we accept what we
: feel, we have to move to accepting
: the situation we find ourselves in.
: Perhaps then you have unconcious
: resistance to your feelings and
: circumstance. It is important to
: note that this resistance IS OKAY
: AND IS PERFECTLY NORMAL! Maybe in
: meditation you can explore this
: resistance and move into peaceful
: acceptance that it is there (this is
: a powerful means of dissolving the
: resistance and opening more fully to
: your pain and therefore move further
: into healing).
: Another thing I would say, and I am
: speaking from my own experience and
: understanding of Johns book is that
: THERE ARE NO RULES OR ORDER when it
: comes to feelings. Go to where the
: feeling is strongest, where the pain
: is. If say the pain is in your heart
: chakra, acknowledge, breathe into
: it, go to the witness and 'hold' the
: pain that is in your heart in gentle
: awareness. There may well be deeper
: layers of feelings such as anger,
: rage, control issues and fear
: 'locked' away in the lower chakras,
: but I have learned that we explore
: our inner path not by rules but we
: are taken where our feelings take us
: under the guidance of the witness.
: By breathing into the heart and
: throat chakras (where your pain is)
: and witnessing them you will release
: initial pain and then whatever
: feelings come up next will guide
: you.
: For example I was numbed to anger,
: rage and hate feelings for a long
: time.These feelings did not fit in
: with my self image. It was only
: going through grief and rejection
: feelings (in the heart chakra) did I
: realise how much anger, hate and
: rage I was holding inside. It is
: extremely difficult to face these
: dark emotions. I too resisted going
: beyond the heart chakra for a long
: time...it was safer to stay with
: 'the sad' feelings rather than
: admiting to myself how much
: anger/hate and rage I was and am
: holding inside. I am still sailing
: these stormy waters. The resistance
: to these difficult feelings are
: huge. I know now that so many
: relationships in the past have been
: based on my resisting these feelings
: and projecting them...desparately
: wanting someone to love me, going
: from co-dependent relationship to
: co-dependent relationship because I
: hated myself I wanted someone else
: to 'numb' what was inside and keep
: my dark emotions supressed.
: Ultimately a long time ago,
: somewhere down the line I began to
: hate the little girl who was deeply
: hurt and did not feel safe enough to
: express her anger rage and
: hate.Perhaps I carried these from a
: previous life, who knows. What I do
: know now, is that we project what is
: really going on inside onto our
: experiences in life. Moving to where
: the pain is (be it heart, throat,
: whatever chakra) and gently becoming
: aware of the resistance will help
: you move into the layers of feeling
: inside. You will start to release
: the pain (it is okay and important
: to allow yourself to cry during such
: meditation practices). Personally I
: found the lower chakras started to
: 'unlock' gradually as the resistance
: has dropped. There 'unlocking' is
: not easy to sit with..but I have had
: some big releases when I have
: accessed these lower chakras in
: combination with the heart chakra
: i.e. feeling the rage/anger and then
: ultimately collapsing into floods of
: tears, as more sadness and hurt is
: released from the heart. My journey
: is far from over..there is lots more
: to come.
: Ultimately Kathy you do not need
: anyone to tell you that you are on
: the right path save your higher
: self. I don't know if anything I
: have said is of any use, but can I
: say I am in awe of your warrior
: spirit and your dedication. I am
: afraid when I go into troubled
: waters I will do anything except
: mediate (even ironing!)....I guess
: that is my resistance.
: I wish you well.
:
: Irene
: --Previous Message--
: First of all forgive me my English –
: I
: am from Poland and perhaps it is not
: as correct as it should be. John,
: thank you very much for your book it
: is my guide in life and I know it
: almost by heart. I have decided to
: share with somone what I am feeling
: because I need a support in my work.
: From some months I survive a real
: wave of feelings and emotions that
: invade my consciousness. The reason
: is very common and boring – a
: heartbreak. I am working with all my
: feelings, they are very intensive
: and sometimes I think I cannot go
: further. I think that I understood
: well all the rules of IC processing
: but I cannot see any progress in my
: work. It is even more strange to me
: because I have been involved in
: spiritual development for several
: years. I am practicing yoga for more
: than three years – I participate
: weekly in three or four one hour and
: a half sessions. I am also vipassana
: meditator, for two years I am
: practicing one hour meditation
: daily, sometimes twice a day. I also
: participate in group sittings once a
: week and in 10-days vipassana
: courses once or two times a year. I
: was always thinking that I am well
: prepared for emotional crisis. But I
: was not at all.
: I have several waves of very strong
: emotions a day. Sometimes they come
: into my consciousness very
: unexpectedly – during a business
: meeting or when I am in a company of
: other people. I cannot resist
: crying, but I have to suppress my
: pain because I cannot integrate it
: when I am with the others. These are
: the worst moments. During my
: meditation I feel a strong pressure
: in my heart and throat chacras.
: Should I breath to them? I am not
: sure because John told in his book
: that first we should open the lower
: chacras without “touching” the
: higher ones. My lower chacras are
: not integrated for sure that why I
: have some doubts.
: It seems to me that I am applying
: all rules of IC in my work. So, why
: I do not see any progress? Each day
: I feel more lonely and sad. I do not
: seek contact with the man who broke
: my heart and do not feel him guilty
: for my feelings, on the contrary I
: respect him and I am glad that I met
: him and i am able to experience all
: these feelings, no matter how
: painful they are. But sometimes the
: pain is insupportable and I cannot
: see the end of it. Nobody knows
: about my pain, I do not have a close
: friend to share with him/her my
: feelings. That is why I need someone
: to confirm that I am on a right
: path.
: Kathy
:
:
:
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