Posted by Irene on 1/7/2008, 3:02 pm, in reply to "Asking for support"
159.134.157.68
Dear Kathy,
I can understand your pain and confusion...and no, I don't see the reasons for your pain as 'boring'. It is interesting that you call your situation 'boring'...that would suggest that your conditioned mind is rejecting and ridiculing your feeling self and your circumstance. In his book John mentions that we must move from awareness of the feelings inside to acceptance. Also not only must we accept what we feel, we have to move to accepting the situation we find ourselves in. Perhaps then you have unconcious resistance to your feelings and circumstance. It is important to note that this resistance IS OKAY AND IS PERFECTLY NORMAL! Maybe in meditation you can explore this resistance and move into peaceful acceptance that it is there (this is a powerful means of dissolving the resistance and opening more fully to your pain and therefore move further into healing).
Another thing I would say, and I am speaking from my own experience and understanding of Johns book is that THERE ARE NO RULES OR ORDER when it comes to feelings. Go to where the feeling is strongest, where the pain is. If say the pain is in your heart chakra, acknowledge, breathe into it, go to the witness and 'hold' the pain that is in your heart in gentle awareness. There may well be deeper layers of feelings such as anger, rage, control issues and fear 'locked' away in the lower chakras, but I have learned that we explore our inner path not by rules but we are taken where our feelings take us under the guidance of the witness. By breathing into the heart and throat chakras (where your pain is) and witnessing them you will release initial pain and then whatever feelings come up next will guide you.
For example I was numbed to anger, rage and hate feelings for a long time.These feelings did not fit in with my self image. It was only going through grief and rejection feelings (in the heart chakra) did I realise how much anger, hate and rage I was holding inside. It is extremely difficult to face these dark emotions. I too resisted going beyond the heart chakra for a long time...it was safer to stay with 'the sad' feelings rather than admiting to myself how much anger/hate and rage I was and am holding inside. I am still sailing these stormy waters. The resistance to these difficult feelings are huge. I know now that so many relationships in the past have been based on my resisting these feelings and projecting them...desparately wanting someone to love me, going from co-dependent relationship to co-dependent relationship because I hated myself I wanted someone else to 'numb' what was inside and keep my dark emotions supressed. Ultimately a long time ago, somewhere down the line I began to hate the little girl who was deeply hurt and did not feel safe enough to express her anger rage and hate.Perhaps I carried these from a previous life, who knows. What I do know now, is that we project what is really going on inside onto our experiences in life. Moving to where the pain is (be it heart, throat, whatever chakra) and gently becoming aware of the resistance will help you move into the layers of feeling inside. You will start to release the pain (it is okay and important to allow yourself to cry during such meditation practices). Personally I found the lower chakras started to 'unlock' gradually as the resistance has dropped. There 'unlocking' is not easy to sit with..but I have had some big releases when I have accessed these lower chakras in combination with the heart chakra i.e. feeling the rage/anger and then ultimately collapsing into floods of tears, as more sadness and hurt is released from the heart. My journey is far from over..there is lots more to come.
Ultimately Kathy you do not need anyone to tell you that you are on the right path save your higher self. I don't know if anything I have said is of any use, but can I say I am in awe of your warrior spirit and your dedication. I am afraid when I go into troubled waters I will do anything except mediate (even ironing!)....I guess that is my resistance.
I wish you well.
Irene
--Previous Message--
: First of all forgive me my English – I
: am from Poland and perhaps it is not
: as correct as it should be. John,
: thank you very much for your book it
: is my guide in life and I know it
: almost by heart. I have decided to
: share with somone what I am feeling
: because I need a support in my work.
: From some months I survive a real
: wave of feelings and emotions that
: invade my consciousness. The reason
: is very common and boring – a
: heartbreak. I am working with all my
: feelings, they are very intensive
: and sometimes I think I cannot go
: further. I think that I understood
: well all the rules of IC processing
: but I cannot see any progress in my
: work. It is even more strange to me
: because I have been involved in
: spiritual development for several
: years. I am practicing yoga for more
: than three years – I participate
: weekly in three or four one hour and
: a half sessions. I am also vipassana
: meditator, for two years I am
: practicing one hour meditation
: daily, sometimes twice a day. I also
: participate in group sittings once a
: week and in 10-days vipassana
: courses once or two times a year. I
: was always thinking that I am well
: prepared for emotional crisis. But I
: was not at all.
: I have several waves of very strong
: emotions a day. Sometimes they come
: into my consciousness very
: unexpectedly – during a business
: meeting or when I am in a company of
: other people. I cannot resist
: crying, but I have to suppress my
: pain because I cannot integrate it
: when I am with the others. These are
: the worst moments. During my
: meditation I feel a strong pressure
: in my heart and throat chacras.
: Should I breath to them? I am not
: sure because John told in his book
: that first we should open the lower
: chacras without “touching” the
: higher ones. My lower chacras are
: not integrated for sure that why I
: have some doubts.
: It seems to me that I am applying
: all rules of IC in my work. So, why
: I do not see any progress? Each day
: I feel more lonely and sad. I do not
: seek contact with the man who broke
: my heart and do not feel him guilty
: for my feelings, on the contrary I
: respect him and I am glad that I met
: him and i am able to experience all
: these feelings, no matter how
: painful they are. But sometimes the
: pain is insupportable and I cannot
: see the end of it. Nobody knows
: about my pain, I do not have a close
: friend to share with him/her my
: feelings. That is why I need someone
: to confirm that I am on a right
: path.
: Kathy
:
:
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