Posted by lisaviolet on 5/9/2008, 9:36 am
I really don't want to go on this vacation. There are a number of reasons. First off, I don't want to leave the kitties. Even though we've got a good sitter, I just don't want to leave them. But like Brian said, it will always be like that.
The last time we took an out of state vacation, we came back and Junior had pancreatitis that the vet couldn't fix, even though he tried. We lost him. Then last year, after the annual Disney trip, we lost Wally and Lisa. Wally was preventable, Lisa was not.
Then, I don't like the fact that we still have to take care of mom's place. Like empty it out, paint walls, shampoo carpets, then get it on the market and get it sold. I hate having that hanging over my head. I'd rather have her place sold and not have it as a worry.
And I'm just tired. I'm weary. And sitting in the car for hours and hours and hours while Brian drives (which he does, not much for stopping to admire scenery), just doesn't make me think it will perk me up. Every time I've thought about making the trip the past couple of weeks, I've felt like crying, it's not something I'm looking forward to at all, it just depresses me.
I told him last night that I was dreading it. I brought it up again this morning. "Can we just postpone it?"
The trip is off. I feel bad that I don't want to go, but he said he didn't want me to go knowing I'd be miserable. I told him I'd probably be okay once we got started, but he said we'd just not go.
I feel so selfish right now, but I really don't feel up to going right now. I just have a bad feeling about it and I'd rather stay home. I don't want to spend fourteen nights in a strange bed. I don't want to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner in a restaurant.
I've just been so tired since last October and I don't think a trip away from home is what I need right now. I need to get my mother's affairs taken care of. I need my life, such as it was, back.
And I think after that happens, I'll be in a much better place for a vacation. Because I won't have that cloud of unfinished business hanging over my head.
Is that really horrible and selfish of me?
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