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Posted by tj
on January 18, 2006, 12:27 pm
Hi. I'm 18 and wanna know your opinion on this. I sometimes get confused with "you" and "I" which makes this message board thing perfect because I don't like spilling my BEANS!! But I loooove to have conversations with myself about everything but I've noticed my conversation to myself has become narrow minded and burnt out. I've always enjoyed talking to myself, I guess as you get older you don't like to talk that much about certain stuff to yourself and other people. I see alot of that around me and it makes me nervous . I used to not care what people really thought of me and still don't but sometimes I SERIOUSLY do. I became kind of a wild child in my mid teens - I make it sound like MY MID TEENS, like it's special-- anyways, yeah mid teens and I became involved sexually with old guys pretty much, like 30 not like 80. and I felt really strange but didn't care cuz I wanted to "look" bad cuz of my parents and stuff. Now what could be seen as "cool" in the gay world or at school "Oh you drank alcohol, but you're so innocent" and stuff gets on my nerves. I know it's not cool to brag of stuff like that and I don't want others to convey an example from my #### ups basically. Ok, I had bad parents, but I was - am too much of a child, SERIOUSLY!! I copy people totally, it's easy for me too. I used to copy lots of lines - actually entitre movies because when I watched them, I rewound and watched them again afterward. Over and over. They were sentimental movies too, but as I got older they got more violent, and my world seemed bviolent. Normal, TV rots your brains but I thought the violence could be seen as beautiful or funny!!!!I used to hurt animals when I wass little and so did my dad, but I hurt animals to the max and then ?I'd cry afterward because I wished I had done that to me instead. I was abadndoned at birth and adopted by aunt and uncle which I';m not mad about. Well, I am actually mad about it. I've never met my real dad and that may tye into my tried being gayness or something and my mom's a paranoid lady I saw like six times in my whole life who always writes me every year and I don't even respond to!!! She says "It's only natural to learn about your whereabouts I carried you inside me hello?" and I'm like, thinking "WEll, then what's the point of answering your letters if I don't care about you?" I don't. Really., I think about living with her sometimes and taking care of her and stealing her vicodin and getting a job, but no, I'm stuck here with my uncle a guy who's afraid to crap in toilets because he wants to save water money. I use the toilet though and I catch up on adult feelings sometimes right? I say adult alot because I am one and because I feel like I'm a kid and I'm dying.. Is it just what pot and illegal unsexy sex does to you? Or could it be me too? I judt hope it's me too, because I don't like the thought of not existing. I feel s o sensual all the time, and I don't mean to. Sensual sounds like too lewd or provacative- more like overtly sensitive, like a metal detector in a metal building!--that works better. My dad and mom said when I was a babe I never cried like ever and didn't ask to be held until they were nearby, in my sight and they said how cute they thought it was that I was gonna grow up to be their soul winner so they named me after a book in the bible and prayed for me everydy beore school- i thibnk its weird still and I feel bad for them but i'm ondering, am i actually just feeling bad for me?- That's my low self-esteem; I've gotta not think I'm special. Sometimes I wonder is it just the devil? But Ieverythime I get close with anyone except me, I shut off. It's like I'm watching a movie. I sometimes go nuts too- I read up on psychology stuff like "which mental disoirder best suites me?" and like parent reviews of sex in films, I try to find out if they show a certain actor's naked body in a film because I think he's attractive and how I want to be. I never like to be told what to. And it's extremely difficult for me to adjust to change. It took like 4 months for me to my school all around. Oh and I love to masturbate and want a girlfriend so I won't do it as often. I like slasher films still.
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