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Posted by Fastovsky on 5/6/2008, 10:38 pm
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From "The Onion"
Calling it the most effective tool to date in the War on Terror, the Pentagon announced Monday that it had developed a new chemical weapon called "ennui gas," a nerve agent that overwhelms its victims with sudden philosophical distress over the meaningless tedium of human life and a sinking sense that everything they have ever accomplished ultimately ammounts to dust.
The military assured Amnesty International and other human-rights groups that ennui gas causes no pain, save for the pain of realizing that one has wasted his life.
As proof, Pentagon representative Byron Christie voluntarily inhaled a small amount of ennui gas at a private press conference last week.
"Because ennui gas is a nonpersistant substance, it is highly probable that its victims will someday feel whole again," said Christie, suddenly furrowing his brow and gripping his temples. "Then again, no one is truly whole, are they? We are all just pieces of flesh and bone masquerading as life, and the world will go on without me, my absence un-noticed, death as futile as life. Pain hath no sting, and pleasure's wreath no flower."
Christie then lay down behind the podium and told members of the press to leave, repeatedly stating that there is no point to it all.
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"The Tao is basically utterly open. Utter openeness has no substance. It ends in endlessness, begins in beginninglessnes".
-Li Daoqun
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