Posted by Sir WIL Double of Brunswick Divine Interventions offers a variety of adult novelties shaped as religious figures. They include the Baby Jesus Butt Plug, Buddha Butt Plug and Mary Dildo just to name a few. They describe their own products as a "light-hearted, humorous look at the relationship between religion and sex," but I decided to see what the Catholic Church had to say about it. So I invited two representatives from the Our Lady of Peace church in Miami to my condo. They were under the assumption they were coming to discuss Jesus or something like that. Let me tell you this was no easy task. I had to listen to them tell me why they were here, about the glory of Jesus and a bunch of other crap before I could even begin to steer the conversation my way. Two hours it took me to get enough material for this article and then it took a half an hour just get rid of them. If I was not going to heaven before this I defiantly earned myself a free pass after enduring this hell. So here it is the most time consuming, researched and defiantly the best article of Pornophernalia. Interview with representatives from Our Lady of Peace Catholic Church in Miami, Florida: * Names have been concealed to protect the anonymity of all sources. WIL Double "I didn't invite you here today to offend you. I just have some basic questions about Divine Intervention?s Baby Jesus Butt Plug. Even with my limited knowledge of the bible I know using any butt plug must be a sin, but what if you were to just own the plug? Say if you just ordered it and had it sit on your nightstand. Would that be a sin?" Representative #1 "Uuum, I?m not really in a position to answer that we are just here to?" WIL "I know, I know why you?re here. I understood it the first time when you explained yourself for twenty minutes. You must read the bible. You go to church and hear their teachings. Therefore, you must have some knowledge of what?s a sin and what isn?t." Representative #2 "Well, we are here to tell you about the wonders of discovering Jesus Christ. To let you know all about the wonderful doors he could open for you. Not to discuss anybody?s sins or what is a sin." WIL "Well let?s just say I wanted to let Jesus into my life. I?m ready but?" #2. "Well that is wonderful and we are here to help you do that." WIL "Uh hum, as I was saying. I?m ready to let Jesus into my life but I don?t really want him coming into my home if he is going to be pissed about a butt plug. So I just need some ground rules here." #1. "What do you need to know?" WIL "What if I got a Buddha butt plug? That wouldn?t piss him off would it? I mean that?s like making fun of his competition." #1. "Any sacrilegious item, I guess, would be a sin. Even if it were for another religion" WIL "So back to my first question is just owning one a sin? What if I use it to worship? I?ve seen many people with Baby Jesus statues so I?m guessing that?s OK. Kinda the same thing right?" #1. "Well the intent of the item isn?t very, holy. Just having it is something I don?t understand or suggest. You don?t need a statue to worship Jesus. You just need to accept him as your Lord and savior. You don?t need a physical item to do that." #2. "By giving those people your money you?re just encouraging them." WIL "Yeah, well I?m kind of a visual guy, you know. I feel stupid talking to thin air. So a statue may help." #2. "Maybe you should come to church. That could help you decide things for yourself." WIL "Well that?s why I got you here, right? Kinda like cliff notes. You go to church and you have to sit through a lot of sermons to get what you want. Jesus doesn?t really offer Q & A sessions if you know what I mean." #2. "Well if you just let Jesus into your heart and follow the teachings of the bible you will find the answers you are seeking. Jesus, will show you the way?" WIL "OK, I got all that but what about you. I?m interested in what you have to say." #1. "Sir, we are just here to help you accept Jesus. We?re not really in a position to decide these things. It?s all right here in the bible you just need to read?." WIL "How about I just ask you some questions and you give a thumbs up for no sin and thumbs down for sin. Plain butt plug, sin or not a sin?" #2. "I don?t? think we really want to do this." WIL "Socks with sandals, sin or not a sin?" #1. "Sir, when you contacted us you asked to have someone come over and discuss the church with you. Not for some sick interview. What is this for anyway?" WIL "OK, just humor me on this one. I?ll give you something easy. Eating a whole tube of cookie dough, sin or not a sin?" #2. "Well, yes, gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins." WIL "Good, you see that wasn?t so hard. Now I?m learning. What about a half a tube?" #2. "I just suggest you read the bible we gave you and come to church. You could go to confession and a priest can decide on stuff like that." WIL "I?m claustrophobic and those booths are small. Plus, I couldn?t see the priest and I wouldn?t know if he was giving a thumbs up or thumbs down." #1. "Well I?m sure they could work something out for you. You don?t necessarily need to go into the confessional box." WIL "How many hail Mary?s do you think he?d make me say if I used the butt plug?" #2. (Finally laughing now) "Probably a lot." WIL "Oh, well how many would you make me say?" #2. "Don?t know." WIL "One more question. Would you ever use a butt plug? I?m not even talking about The Baby Jesus one. Just a regular one." #2. "That?s not very nice." WIL "Sorry?."
on 4/8/2003, 1:15 pm
64.12.96.104
Well I'm very happy of all the support that you guys at The RMWF are giving me. The Vine (who I inducted into the hall of fame for being annoying) is the only one to check or leave me a message at Phillyspy.com. For that I thank him. I can only hope I get this much support when the comic comes out! Anyways here is my last article, probably my bets one ever.
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