Posted by Deborah on 7/27/2006, 9:47 am, in reply to "Any advice?"
58.105.148.98

Hi April, The best advice I can give you and I also live in Australia is, and I agree STRONGLY with Mike, you DO NOT have to agree to anything. Lawyers will subtly (and sometimes not so subtly) try and strongarm and bully you into agreeing to something you don't want to agree to because of financial implications (usually their own). Be very clear about what you want from the settlement conference. Write everything down beforehand, take all your documentation with you. Prepare for it like you're preparing for the most important exam of your life. In fact, get your lawyer to put in writing what he/she believes you will get out of the settlement conference so that they can't spring any surprises on you on the day. Some lawyers are masters at this kind of manipulation when you're feeling vulnerable and under pressure. Remember that YOU are paying your lawyer and he / she must fight for what YOU want and do as YOU tell him. It is not for him/ her to decide how your assets should be divided or your future determined. They won't have to live with the aftermath! Picture yourself five years from now, completely distanced from this situation and what you would want from it and then go out and get it (if you believe you deserve 75% or more, ask for it!). If you are feeling pressurised or nervous, excuse yourself from the room - it is your right to do that. Take a five or ten minute break, go to the toilet, whatever - just clear your head. Just getting out of the energy in the room will give you clarity. Fight for what you want and what you DESERVE. Imagine what advice you would give to your own best friend in this situation and follow it! And if you feel that things are not going the way you would like them to, call it off and ask for the conference to be rescheduled. BE STRONG. I know nerves play a big part but just for this ONE DAY you must put them aside and think logically, not emotionally. Just for this one day, think of this as a business deal / transaction and nothing more. As much as you possibly can, do not make eye contact with your ex. Glance in his direction or look over his head, whatever. Behave differently to what he would expect you to because he'll go in there thinking he has you all sussed out - disarm him by not being as he knows and expects you to be, be indifferent but business like. Imagine that you are negotiating for someone else and that you are trying to get the best deal possible. I'm holding thumbs for you, Good luck! This is one of the biggest hurdles but once you're over this, you will feel an overwhelming sense of relief and feel that you've just taken a giant leap forward... Deborah