Posted by Red Miller on 10/17/2001, 10:13 am
It all happend a few days ago. Not really any thing to brag about, but at the same time, I think it is important for you all to be aware...
well, lets just start with me running thru the woods. well i guess we had better start before that if you want to have any idea why the hell i am running thru the woods. Ok, so first i am at the suppermarket. thats a good start. Ok, im at the supermarket with my hands full of what humans tend to call, "cereal." I am going thru the check out when i catch a glimps of this girl. and its not just your every friday-night-drunk-and-just-want-to-poke-at-some-ass girl. I mean, she was pretty damn fine. So back to the groceries. I was buying some toatal. i knew i would need this total for the jurney that i was about to embark. even though the sun was shining, i knew that in his mind, he had other plans for me.
so i eat the total and start walking, and it was kinda like that DC commercial when all those girls start following RD....but I soon ran so far that i didnt know where i was. i found a stream and quickly concocked a canoe of the total boxes that i had previously folded and stashed in my underware to wick away sweat as i ran. well, i began floating down that stream. but soon got bored and bit a hole thru the canoe so it would sink. i swam to shore. there, a tribe of appalations awaited to take me to CHanlersville. At first i noticed that they had no clothes on, but was soon to realize that they were wearing clothes, they were just clear and make of golgi bodies...very weird at first but after you get used to the sensation, quite comfortable. getting in and out of strip clubs in chanlersville is easier than you might expect, except the one with the eskamoes was a bit cold. so i left and caught a grayhound to the next city that was named "whutchugotbeeitch" or so the sign at the city limits was painted. well, soon after hearing the history of the towns name i reallized that it wasnt called that at all. it was called "getyourohioassoutofhere" so without futher adue i crosssed the boarder back in to the state that is round on both ends and HI in the middle. when waking up in the arms of a woman you have no idea who she is, your fist reaction is to get laid, considering you were probably tofar in the bottle last night to do anything. taking down her pants the smell took me to a memory of when i was much younger and loosing my virginity to that tree by the truck stop...but thats another story in its self. i stumble out of the womans house to find a 1959 Schwinn 3-speed bike all done up in lepard skin. i hop on and ride but soon become tired and ghost ride it into an oncoming semi. so long schwinn.
For the first time since my toatal 3days and 3 nights before, i am hungry. I return to the woods only to be forced to kill a small racoon that beggs not to be eaten. I have a short conversation with him about what it is like to live in the fast lane. we both conclude that it is better that i eat him than him get pulverized by an amish horse 'n' buggy when god decides he wants a hat like Danniel Boone. cutting off his ears, i drie them for my dog when i return from this wild adventure. i eat everything only leaving behind the large intestine and rectum in which i make a necklace and bug repelent out of.
walking....i find a town that seems so much like my home town i try and drink a beer only to find that the Colt 45 DM is not that at all, but only a wildcat 40oz. instead. amazed at this complexity in the label i break it over my own head.
Waking up in K-Mart completely naked is by far not the funnest thing that i have ever done. but with the help of Sales Associtate Kathy Cramball i quickly relive my sexual frustration and find clothing at the same time. In the end i return to the place where this story began, the alley around the corner from RAllys. and its appears to be the same day, because i have no money and my best friend is still the piece of spouting next to my head when i woke up.
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